The anxious urge to say “no worries either way” when you are actually worrying both ways plus a secret third way
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Stuffs sugar packets into my handbag as I leave the cafe.
Sachets away.
Heroic fire saves man from having horrible house
judge: are you the defendant?
me: haha yup, guilty as charged
my lawyer: *whispers in my ear*
me: um whats the policy on take backs here
This documentary on tree frogs is absolutely ribbiting.
I react to seeing a pizza the way most women react when they see a baby. It makes me want another one of my own.
I don’t understand people who “get ready for bed”.
I’m always ready for bed.
“It’s time to turn over a new leaf.”
– Adam & Eve on laundry day
Husband: Want any Chic-fil-A brought home?
Me: Yes, I’d like the one by the mall, please.
I thought I was losing weight but it’s just my hair getting thinner.
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
Seeing a lot of Facebook posts about kids going to school but not seeing any follow ups about them coming home, what in the damn hell is going on
I’m just saying if she’s into metric then I’d love to meter
PMS: Going to the dentist?
ME: Yeah.
PMS: Gonna tell him what happened?
ME: *flashback of biting into an ice cream container*
Nah.
Him: SHE SAID YES!!
Me, handing him fries: you really don’t need to scream that for every customer who supersizes their order, Jeffrey.
6: Daddy, when did the first Thanksgiving happen?
Me: Great question! The first Thanksgiving dinner was 400 years ago–
6: –Oh, were you there?!
Me:
villagers: BURN THE WITCH
me: you’re the reason your dad left
witch: omg
villagers [lowering torches] damn dude
What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, is a crock of shit. If you get pregnant, pick up an STD, or contract covid, that shit will follow you everywhere.
Gave this artichoke the heimlich maneuver and now he’s artiokay.
My dream guy is hot, funny and smart. And he’ll ask me to marry him with a green lantern ring. And he has powers. And a castle. And Yoshi.
If you ever want a bad date to end just say “you remind me of my mother.” If you REALLY want to sell it leave out the “my”
me in the kitchen: how do i crack an egg
me watching great british bake off: what kind of an idiot forgets to poke steam holes in their banquet pie
someone using bare hands to put salad on a plate is letting you know they’re not here for discussions about etiquette or anything really
I’ve never been held hostage but I’ve been on a group text.
me: i dont want any kids
person: *low chuckle* oh, you’ll change your mind.
me: *grabs them by collar* tell me more about the future, wizard
Me: I’ve completed a psychological profile on myself.
Brain: What have we learned?
Me: I need to stop talking to myself or wear a Bluetooth device on my walks.
Brain: Will this help to keep people from staring at you?
Me: Maybe wear clothes too.
Whoever has my voodoo doll, would you please stop making me do the running man dance, i’m at work and it’s causing a scene
My friend’s kid just asked the server for ballsack vinegar and now he’s my favorite person.
Today I brought my trash out wearing roller skates and a tiara simply because I like keep my neighbors guessing.
I microwave ramen noodles right before I go to bed so that they’re finally cool enough to eat when I wake up in the morning.
What’s there to get? the floor is hard. And cold. And too smooth. That’s why I vomit on the carpet.
–my dog