[girlfriend finally texts back]
ME: i’m so mad at you.
HER: i’m naked come over.
ME: i’m not really mad i was jk lol omw babe
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5.awesome
Her: I’m going to start cooking without butter.
Me: This isn’t going to work out.
At dinner last night two women asked to take my husband’s picture. I said, “Why? Who do you think he is?” And they said, “Aren’t you Gabe from Top Chef?” and my husband said, “Bon Appetit!” and smiled for the picture.
This man can’t even make scrambled eggs.
I wish job sites ranked jobs by the level of human interaction you will have to deal with on a daily basis.
taylor swift: oh my god look at that face you look like my next mistake
me [with mouth full of like way too many Doritos]: what
One little typo and Secret Santa becomes Secret Satan and nobody asks you to plan the Christmas gift exchange again.
I scream. You scream. We all scream. This fancy wine bars toilet gender signs were unclear.
Welcome to your 40s: everyone can hear you when you stand up now.
“Kids! Come say goodbye to your father!”
-Me, when my husband has a cold.
My dad asked Alexa to turn on the lights and she started singing “Old MacDonald” instead
This makes the third woman in the house who won’t listen to him
People keep asking if they can help me by watching my newborn. She doesn’t make me watch cocomelon, leave toys all over the floor, or scream that her brother is looking at the her. Take the older two.
When there’s a police car behind you with their lights flashing…
It means speed up, right?
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
If you give a man a PS4, he will play for a day.
If that man buys the PS4 he will not shower for 2 months.
Husband: Let’s talk about it when we’re not tired and cranky.
Me: So, in like 18 years?
I like the word amongst. That’s it.
Talk amongst yourselves about it if any amongst you feel the need.
While a leaf blower is a close second, my preferred cleaner is a flamethrower.
Life is like a box of condoms. If you don’t use one, you never know what you’re goin get.
My body: I need to perspire.
Antiperspirant: The hell you do.
There’s no gangsta way to pull on a push door
When a possum plays dead he’s “smart” and “instinctual” but when I do it, it’s all “what’s wrong with you” and “crime scene investigators are at the door.”
*walks into childhood home*
Him: what’s wrong?
Me: it all looks so different. I distinctly remember the floor being lava.
Air pods looking like an angry frog
If taking off your pants doesn’t solve your problems, get different problems.
The most rewarding part of having a teenage daughter is having someone who looks exactly like you, acts just like you but who also finds everything about you absolutely repulsive
ME: forgive me father for I have sinned
PRIEST: nothing that can’t be forgiven my son
ME: I microwave my pop tarts
PRIEST: u sick son of a
My doctor pulled me aside and asked why I had so many scratches on me and never in my life have I felt more like a teenage boy than when I sheepishly explained it was because last weekend was wrestlemania and I was practicing wrestling moves with my friend.
Me: [to myself] ok, act cool
Crush: nice weather today
Me: thanks
Fire at the cannabis dispensary. Witnesses described it as super chill.