Open an ice cream shop with flavors like “don’t be sad,” “they’re not worth it,” “you deserve better” and see if people don’t flock right in
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I just bet a hyena £1000 that he couldn’t swim across a river and now he’s laughing all the way to the bank.
I’m hoping the next currency fad will be allen wrenches. I’ll be a gazillionaire.
World: Hey check out this sport we made called football.
America: *sips beer* Check out this other sport I just made called football.
My son is practicing his French horn and I love the arts, I was so excited for my kids to love them, but wow he’s pretty bad.
Saw a woman wearing her shirt backwards and I was like OH MY GOD ONE OF MY PEOPLE
shoutout to Disney for giving me unrealistic expectations about love, talking animals and my singing voice
He told me I cut my steak like a serial killer, so I whispered “What makes you think this is steak?” While I stroked his thigh with a knife.
[son on his wedding day] dad what’s the best part of marriage?
[thinking about how there’s always bananas in the house] her smile
Forgot to turn on the grill, burgers been on there for half an hour, I know cause the tv show I like’s over & nothing’s on fire.
Employee: “Wow, you look tired.”
Me: *fires him for harassment*
*getting caught filling up neighbor’s trash can*
Omg Karen, I just looove your trash can! Where did you get it?
why didn’t scooby doo smell that the ghosts were human
If you think Floyd Mayweather vs. Logan Paul is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just spent $50 to watch it.
Hell hath no fury like a woman proving herself by parallel parking
My kids are really competing for least favorite today.
tryna choke on gummy bears so my tombstone can read killed by a bear
Hi, I’m Geoff, and this is my wife Glorrhoea.
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
screaming until I turn this migraine into an us-graine 😉
Me: I’m a mature adult woman who can handle anything
Also me: *has to pack my blankie wherever I go or I can’t sleep*
[speed dating]
Her: THIS IS NICE
Me: I’M HAVING FUN TOO
Her: WHAT KIND OF DRUG DID YOU SAY THIS WAS?
Me: IT’S CALLED SPEED
Her: I chose you for your brains
Me: aww
Her: in case I ever become a zombie
Cats are not as loyal as dogs are. But at least they won’t tell the police where the bodies are….
My kids told me I have rizz and I feel flattered. Or insulted? Or confused. Definitely confused.
I’m white but not ‘sleep in front of a store to save $30 on a television’ white.
If an Elvis impersonator dies, doesn’t he kind of become the best Elvis impersonator
95% of dentists recommend teeth.
I mostly stopped responding to email three years ago and aside from various consequences it’s been fine
6yo: what do old people eat?
me: when I’m old I’m going to eat children.
6yo: you’re joking, mom. you’re already old.