Woke up this morning expecting a raging headache. My husband said, “Wanna know why your head doesn’t hurt so bad? Your last several gin and tonics I ordered for you were just water.”
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Step 1: Buy a 3D printer.
Step 2: Print a 3D printer.
Step 3: Return the 3D printer.
[First day as a Scientist]
Boss: We need some petrified wood
Me: *Tells ghost stories to a tree*
I’m no socialist but I do believe everyone is born with an inherent right to as many dipping sauces for their mcnuggets as they want.
[hospital]
Looks like ur Vine went viral.
“Yay!”
Sorry ur VEIN went viral…you have a fatal blood disease.
“So wait–my Vine didn’t go viral?”
HER: i love babies
ME: *trying to impress* i cry when i’m hungry
[Lab]
MONSTER: What is my name?
“We’ll call you…Frankenstein”
MONSTER: But that is your name
“Yeah, people won’t make a big deal of it”
The bright side of global warming is that 100% of our great grandchildren will own beachfront property.
It snowed for christmas. That’s something that never happens in the south.
We are also without power.
Santa will be getting cookie dough.
My Alexa overheard my Roombas talking and, long story short, I now have 114 Roombas in my living room circling their god, Alexa.
I got sunburned at the beach and now my husband won’t listen to anything I say because he doesn’t “take advice from tomatoes.”
My mom told me I couldn’t swim until 30 minutes after I last ate so that’s why I haven’t swam since I was 14 years old.
Family gonna ask what i brought to thanksgiving this year.. Ima say beef & swing on my cousin
I never set out to be the hottest woman in the nursing home yet here we are.
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok I’ll take one
[later]
duck: quick
me: I see
Doing LEGO with my son is like assisting during surgery.
6yo: Flat gray piece.
Me: Here.
6: 5 square red blocks.
M: Here.
6: I said RED!
Like Carrie at the prom but it’s just me after a spaghetti dinner and too much red wine.
ME: [sitting on iphone] europe. europe. EUROPE. europe
[5 hrs later]
ME: ok fine maybe ur right
WIFE: what did you think airplane mode meant
I got mad when my gum lost its flavor. I chewed it out.
I need to stop saying “oppa gagnam style!” to fill in awkward pauses in conversation
nobody told me when you make a video game you have to make the whole thing
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they are not.
[first day in prison]
“I need to speak to management. There is no way I can use this generic bar soap on my face.”
Based on the musicians who thanked him at the Grammys, I gotta say: I’m not crazy for God’s taste in music.
I’m one whole face and body rearrangement away from being Scarlett Johansson.
Just watched The Hobbit: The Battle to Stay Awake for What Felt Like Five Hours.
If a child’s survival depended on my ability to share bacon, I would weep greasy, bacony tears at that child’s funeral.
Why do meditation exercises always start by telling me to close my eyes? How am I gonna read the rest of the instructions?! 😆
A 6-year-old told me he likes my costume. I’m not wearing a costume 🙁