@sumpeoplelikeit: Open books don't get judged by their covers.
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@shutupmikeginn: I thought Match .com was a place to arrange fights to the death, but turns out it's a website to find love. So I was close.
@NikiWithIssues: There's a butterfly in my office and a nerf gun in my purse. Susan, clear my schedule.
@bornmiserable: Me: This is a nice, quiet neighborhood. Real estate agent: This is a cemetery. Me: I'll take it.