The worst part about being humble is that you can’t even brag about it.
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Judge: You have power of attorney?
Me:*curling two briefcases* Pfft. What do you think, bruh?
No, not sex addict, I said sex attic, you know, like a sex dungeon, but upstairs.
The Gym is like Church. Everybody thinks that by going one hour, one day, they’ll erase what they did during the week.
if you’re a young person, ask a middle-aged man what music they listened to in the 90s. let them talk for 30 mins. act interested and say “oh wow no way that’s so cool.” after that you can ask them for any favor
There is nothing more important to me than my family that I pretend to have when I order takeout over the phone.
I bet Lance Armstrong is smugly saying “at least I didn’t kill anybody” to like every person he sees today.
Me to Gonzo: Stop chasing after her! She’s toxic!
Gonzo: You don’t even know her, Mom!
Me: Well, I know she’s a toad.
Mortal Kombat was inspired by parents who co-sleep with their children
me: turns out a butterfly net can catch anything if it’s the right size
wife: is that danny devito
Too many toilets have automatically flushed underneath me for me not to have reservations about self-driving cars
Jesus died for our sins. But he was only dead for 3 days. So what did he sacrifice? His weekend. Jesus gave up his weekend for our sins.
I threw old quinoa under my feeder and now the squirrels are walking around in Lululemon pants and requesting coconut water.
Me: Here is some apple juice.
Kids: Deelish!
M: Apple butter on your toast?
K: Please!
M: How is the apple sauce?
K: Terrific!
M: Got you apple slices with your Happy Meal.
K: Great!
M: Have an apple.
K: Oh you mean POISON?!?!
Okay back to it and remember, you can’t say anger without saying grrrr
My friend thinks her husband is cheating on her. I don’t have the heart to tell her he’s just out chasing Pokemon.
“Marines!”
“SIR, YES SIR!”
“Get ready to deploy at 05:00 sharp–HUGHES WHERE IN THE SHIT ARE YOU GOING!?”
“That’s too early I quit.”
I’ve really grown as a parent recently. Outwards.
This hospital has everything
Cop searching my pockets: How does he have so many rocks!?
I would never get a minivan because I can’t even think of 7 people I’d want to be stuck in a vehicle with.
every raccoon you see is currently on parole
when steven spielberg was my age he was directing Jaws. meanwhile i am posting stuff like “drunk yoda be like ‘good to drive i am, give me the keys you will'”
[Alligator feeding at the zoo]
Me: Hey let me do it
Keeper: 1st time?
M: Heck no
*alligator takes me by the arm*
I WAS JUST BRAGGING SAVE ME
FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the name of the woods where robin hood hid out with his merry men?
BUBBA: sherwood forest
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the n
Her:”my blinkers don’t work I think I’m out of blinker fluid”
Me:”your car doesn’t have blinker fluid.”
Her:”I JUST SAID THAT PAY ATTENTION”
me: how much for the cow bras?
salesperson: those are gloves
Cop: Why are you speeding?
Me: I’m super late for work
Cop: Ok, I need you to slow down
Me: Sorry. I’m…..super….late….for……work
Edgar Allan Poe Because Edgar Allan Got No Job
Trojan: Pricier than some other brands, yet still cheaper than Enfamil, Gerber, Pampers, Graco, Fisher-Price, Playskool, Lego, Melissa & Do-
[First target practice]
Son: I missed
Stormtrooper Dad: I know, I’m proud of you son.