Nicknames are way more fun when the other person doesn’t know they have one.
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Please don’t cry
Seeing your tears makes me have to pee
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Girl: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
10 y/o Edison: How many scientists does it take to change a light bulb?
His Dad: What’s a light bulb?
His Mom: IDFK. U tell me, Einstein.
Just banged my head but unfortunately it didn’t knock any more sense into it.
My daughter watched a trial of mine today and when it was over (expecting praise and adulation) I said, “Wellllll how’d I do?”
Her, “You sure did lead your witness a lot.”
*raises hand* is it bc of the gravity
*spider-man pacing the ceiling while Mary Jane is in the bathroom taking a pregnancy test*
In public
4: (loudly) Mummy, I stroked your back hair!
Me: Yes, you stroked THE BACK OF MY HAIR
Any driver who sees this will immediately crash.
Budget: She really knows how to stretch me to the limit.
Spanx: Dude, look who you’re talking to.
Me: thanks duckter
Goose doctor: [fought years of discrimination to get to his position] how dare you
I put my pants on just like everyone else.
When the manager at Chili’s asks me to.
Day 302 of my husband and I both working from home:
Me: *tapes note to microwave reminding coworkers to PLEASE CLEAN UP SPILLS THIS MICROWAVE IS FOR THE WHOLE OFFICE
I lost a contact at the gym and while I was searching for it people started gathering around and long story short I teach yoga now.
my wife and i have been playing a 7 day game of ‘dishes in the sink are lava’
My CW said not to drink cows’ milk cuz we’re not cows so now I get why she drinks almond milk-she’s nuts.
I like to help my wife cook by standing in front of whichever cabinet door she needs to get into at any given time.
All arrangements are edible if you’re hungry enough.
Not only has that ship sailed it has entered the Bermuda triangle
[grocery store]
dad to his crying baby: shhh stop crying
[baby keeps crying]
me: wow, your baby does not listen
waiter: soooo do you have any room for dessert?
me (frantically moving chairs and tables out of the way): idk,,, how big is this f***en cake?
Our middle child says we neglect him/her.
Sandal was upset at the vet yesterday, because nothing bad has ever happened to him so he thinks being weighed is a war crime, and the technician kept trying to soothe him by saying ” awww, pobrecita chancleta” (literally, “poor little flip-flop”). he’s never living this down
Where have you been all my life? Please go back there.
Shades by Gucci, shirt by Dolce&Gabbana, face by Douchebag.
Say goodbye to unsightly carpet stains by strategically repositioning your furniture.
doctor: you need a knee replacement
me: great i would like slinkies
I want my toddler to be independent but I also want this banana peeled before I die.
I think this should do it.
[spelling bee]
moderator: your word is abandon
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: everyone you love will abandon you
me: omg
moderator: lol no not even close