[Me, being lowered into my grave.
Email still buzzing nonstop]Zillow: 7 new burial plots just listed in your area
Target: 20% off all women’s death shrouds
Amazon: It’s never too late to treat yourself from your wishlist
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Thank you for showing me your Facebook wedding album. Now if you have time, here is a slideshow of my top 36 scores in Mario Kart
After so much bullshit the past few years this upcoming colonoscopy somehow feels political
At Dunkin Donuts-
8: Can I get choc. milk?
Me: We have that at home.
8: We have coffee at home too…
Me: WHO TAUGHT YOU LOGICAL THINKING?!
supermarketes become so much more terrifying if you find a product with the word ‘instant’ and replaec it with ‘sudden’
Just burnt 2,000 calories…
That’ll be the last time I bake a pizza while I’m asleep!
[Chasing a fox on my bike]
ME: How is he reaching the pedals?!
*snowing outside*
HIM: I should salt the front walk
ME, nodding: Ooh, to enhance the umami flavor
4-year-old: It’s not fair. Boys can have beards but girls can’t.
Me: Well, girls can have babies and boys can’t.
4: Want to trade?
Valentine’s Day is a stupid and made up holiday unless someone wants to give me a present in which case I really believe in celebrating it
Looking at hotels, one review says there are “drug attics” here.
Well what a fun little storage idea!
Booked it
Am I in my mid 30s? Yes.
Will I ever stop ending professional phone calls with “bye-bye”? NO.
Didn’t have my glasses on and genuinely thought this was a diagram of a chop.
The year is almost over, and I haven’t stabbed anyone. My New Year’s resolution is to do better.
DATE: Do you like sports?
ME: *nervously* Sure.
DATE: What’s your favorite sport?
ME: *panicking* Panicking.
so i told my boyfriend i was having my period and he said “Again?”
you know what, you’re right im going to cancel that monthly subscription
My husband was yelling my name and I was yelling back “I’m in the basement” and my daughter started yelling “Can everyone stop yelling?” and my son then yelled “Why is everyone yelling?” and this is how we bond as a family.
i am not one 22-year-old, i am actually two 11-year-olds stacked on top of each other wearing a trench coat
Hell hath no fury like a toddler just waking up from a nap.
Hey gang, let’s talk about what has gone right today.
Ok, good talk. See you tomorrow.
I want my kids to have a fun childhood, but like a lazy, quiet kind of fun that doesn’t cost anything.
Old age is nothing but a computer with 1000 GB of memory running on a celeron processor
☀️🧛🏻 🌙 🦇
Should I buy a pizza? Heads I do, tales I ignore the coin.
A new house isn’t a home until you’ve let a bag of salad die in the fridge
everyone says “writers don’t matter” until two guys with no clue how to tell a story are tasked with bringing an end to your favorite show.
my kid, carrying one small toy and a water bottle: mom, can you get my backpack, my hands are really full
me, carrying 8 grocery bags:
wife: we are doing christmas with my family this year
remembering how me and my uncle got in a fist fight over whether the grinch is british: that’s fair
If you lean back in a chair and put your feet up on the desk, everything you say will be beaming with confidence and bravado especially if it’s not your office.
I wanna be friends with this person
I SHOULD HAVE WRITTEN THAT DOWN
An Autobiography