Open casket funeral? Remains to be seen.
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My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
Bruce Banner with his hand stuck in a Pringles can, getting more and more frustrated
Fingers crossed that Cupid hits me in the carotid artery.
The gross is always greener on the outside
I say as I look at the 4yo who just sneezed
Today is the first New Moon after Jan 21sr. Happy New Year to Chinese people and all who choose to be Chinese for a day.
Every time I have a salad for lunch my stomach feels the same way a dog does when someone fake throws a tennis ball.
3 years into a relationship and you get a text “i need space” loooool lets sell some furniture then
I saw my close personal friend Jim smelling chairs at the movie theater this morning and when he saw me watching he just said “no one will believe you”
[punches shark on the nose]
Shark: that wont stop me
Me: are you crying
Shark: no it’s always wet & salty on my face, I’m fine
god: did you give the dinosaurs more muscle like I asked
angel: wait what
god: I told you to make them meatier
angel: oh MEATier
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
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Caught my son chewing on electrical wires.
So, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly.
2020 was the worst escape room I’ve ever done.
Brain: Don’t make this weird
Heart: Puts an excessive amount of ketchup on my tacos
Mom told me to quit calling the postman a mail escort.
God grant me the FOOD to sustain my body,
the LAUNDRY DETERGENT to wash the stains from my clothes,
and the WISDOM to know the difference.
Six degrees of separation but it’s me trying to get a discount through a friend of a friend of a friend.
Me: I might give this money to that homeless guy
Wife: Do you want it wasted on fast food and alcohol?
Me: No
Wife: Then give it to the homeless guy
INTERVIEWER: your resume says that you take things too literally
ME: how the hell did my resume say that?
sighs “always the predator, never the prey…”
She said that having a successful marriage is all about making sacrifices so I threw her into a volcano.
Dads will leave 3 Frosted Flakes in the box and tell you it’s enough for a bowl
*raises the last pack of toilet paper to the sky like Simba*
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
WIFE: please come out of there so we can talk
ME: [from cardboard box] i’m sorry come out of where?
WIFE: [sigh] please exit the spacecraft
“Just this one more episode.” you said, and all the voices in your head laughed and laughed, and slapped their knees.
Beethoven:Who wants to hear some Symphonies?
*crowd goes wild
B:I SAID WHO WANTS TO HEAR SOME SYMPHONIES
*crowd goes nuts
B:I CANT HEAR YOU!
I stopped writing poetry when I realized their only value was to threaten to read them to people if they didn’t do what I wanted.