“Open face” is both a good type of sandwich and also how you eat them
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A customer just told me that it takes a 14 mile run to work off 1 Oreo. Don’t worry she’s dead now
If a cop is arresting you, just play the national anthem, he’ll be forced to stand still for the whole thing while you get away
Where in the hell are Dora the Explorer’s parents? Do they know she’s riding a damn crocodile into a volcano?
ME: The irony is it’d be harder to identify the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles if they didn’t wear masks
MAN AT URINAL: I didn’t say anything
Considering the fact that I’m still working in people’s homes everyday, if the coronavirus hasn’t killed me in a week, nothing can kill me.
Except bullets.
Bullets and gravity.
Also poison.
I always try and write my tweets real slow because I know some of you can’t read fast.
At first I felt loved when the wife called me a trophy until I saw her google taxidermist
Putting the word “rage” in everything you say you’re doing makes you sound more productive
I’m rage cleaning the house
I’m rage working this project
I’m rage homeschooling the kids
I’m rage drinking tequila
So grateful for pillows. My head works hard, it deserves its own widdle bed.
2020: I’m so glad I stayed home. That coughing guy had COVID and made everyone sick.
2021: I hope that coughing guy doesn’t have COVID that will make me sick.
2022: I hope that coughing guy has COVID but the same variant that I had last month so he won’t make me sick.
There are many to choose from but my favorite quote from the Godfather is when he says “it’s-a me, The Godfather”
My kitchen drawer was stuck but my husband got it open. I guess all it needed was a big jerk.
No one ever hated their job on a Friday!
Give a man fish and you’ll feed him for a day…… Give a fish a man and you’re probably in the Mafia
Drinking alcohol before pregnancy can cause pregnancy.
estão todos miauvindo?
My wife told me the one thing she really wants for Christmas and I have to say I hope she gets it because I’d really like to meet Jason Momoa.
HER: I’m a member of my local Rotary Club.
ME: [trying to impress her] Yeah I hate touch tone phones.
Left my son in the rock tumbler now I gotta explain to his momma why hes smooth as hell.
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me: [lifts gallon] yea it’s easy
Wife: I mean from the store
Me: I would imagine it weighs the same there too
Me: I thought you said you were taking these boxes to the garage
My Husband: Yeah, at some point
Our 7 YO, from the other room: That means she wants you to do it now!
I think that next job interview I conduct I’m going to ask the candidate “What is best in life?”
If they don’t answer “To crush your enemies, to see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentations of their women,” then hard pass.
[buying a wood chipper]
ME: So does blood splatter everywhere when a body goes in?
SALESMAN: What?
ME: What?
strict parents don’t know how to cope with having an adult child so they have to make up problems. four years ago someone found my wallet outside and dropped it off at a precinct. the police called to return it. to this day my mother refers to it as my “run in with the police”
DOCTOR: Don’t be embarrassed. Taking trousers off is normal for a prostate exam.
ME: Err yeah I guess. Should I take mine off too?
Shaved my legs and now I keep sliding off the bed.
Some people mow their yard at different angles and it looks really cool.
When I do it, my yard just looks like it fell asleep at a frat party.
what’s wrong, babe, you’ve hardly played your juitar
If every time someone asks you to do something you quietly gasp and whisper, “Like the prophecy foretold.” People stop asking you to do things.
Every time I think I’ve got my diet under control, they come out with some new and tastier way to make me fat.