“Open face” is both a good type of sandwich and also how you eat them
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This painting is titled “Mother, May I Sleep with Danger?”
I need an aggressive dog-barking sound on my phone, for whenever anyone knocks on the bathroom door when I’m in there
My son went over to a friend’s house & his Mom asked when we wanted him home. From her expression I think she was expecting a time, not day.
Things I constantly worry about pressing:
1. “Like” while ex stalking
2. Send all drafts
3. A baby’s soft spotYes, this list is in order.
I practice social distancing by wearing my murder clown costume when I’m out in public.
wife: *handing me a bowl of raspberries* we have to eat these before they go bad
me: that is true of literally every food
Who decided to call them a personal trainer and not a gym reaper?
I was just published in Science Fiction Bin Monthly, the only sci-fi magazine that’s printed and then immediately thrown in a dumpster. You can read my story in this month’s issue, but you’ll have to fight a raccoon for it.
A co-worker is retiring, so they’re passing a card around filled with cash. I only took $10 but normally my signature is worth much more.
A lot of birthdays in November. It’s as if there’s some kind of romantic peak in or around mid-February.
At this month’s meeting of The Corporate Billionaires of America club, we will be discussing cutting-edge ideas such as, “should we be charging an extra fee to slice the pizza.”
my father died in a conga line and so shall i
Baby monitors are pointless because most babies simply stop doing illegal shit as soon as they realize you’ve got their room bugged.
her: i love croissants
me: *trying to impress* i’m flaky too
Russian roulette, except it’s me sneezing three times in a row while driving
My son fell asleep early, so I’m going to live like I did before having kids!
*cooks on front burner of the stove*
who started finding eggs and was like “it was probably a rabbit”
“Snitches get stitches”
Cute little rhyme..
However I believe,
“Snitches never wake up again”
is more likely to deter snitching…
I Wasn’t Paying Attention to the Zoom Until I Heard My Name Called: A Memoir
[creation]
GOD: You all have a divine purpose
HORSE: I will plow man’s field
COW: I will give man milk
GUINEA PIG: I will test man’s shampoo
This married couple was eating dinner, he meant to ask his wife for salt, but What came out was, I hate you stupid Bitch you ruined my life
Wife: It’s like we don’t even know each other anymore
Me: Not this crap again, Brenda
Wife: That’s not my name
You’re doing a great job looking at your phone
Restaurant Customer: clarified butter please
Waiter: (points to butter) THIS IS BUTTER
Squirrel having fun.. 😅
I think the problem is that I’m 20% stud and 80% muffin.
me: it’s tough coming back into the office huh?
them: you don’t work here
me: i know it was really tough getting past security
my girlfriend and i are on a little road trip and she’s driving, which means it’s my job to look out the window and periodically say “horsies” or “cows”
Caller: Emergency Sevices? I’m on fire.
Me: That’s great, keep up the good work.
If I took every USB cable I’ve ever owned and strung them end-to-end, I’d have a cable 34 miles long that I still couldn’t find when I needed it.