Open-heart surgery is much simpler than most people realize. The key is not to get hung up on whether or not the patient survives.
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Thanks for warning me to be careful after I slipped & fell. I’ll be sure to wish you luck on your lab test results at your funeral.
Karen: Are we ok?
Me: [removes earbud] Yes.
Karen: It’s just that you named a Spotify playlist “LET’S GET DIVORCED”
Me: how much for the seal Dracula
Zoo keeper: that’s a walrus
“Doctor, how bad is it?”
“I mean, you’re just not a great singer. I don’t know why you needed a doctor to confirm for you, but there it is.”
Tweet thief [secretly the Backstreet Boys] 🎶am I original?
– Naaah –
Tweet thief: 🎶am I the only one
– LOL NO –
Tweet thief: 🎶am I SEXUAL
*Awkward silence*
I would like even faster food.
I just slipped in the shower and my life flashed before my eyes but it was just a series of other times I almost fell.
Hey Shakira, I get it. With all of these nachos and tequila, my hips don’t lie either.
Heading to therapy. Let’s all cross our fingers that some good therapist jokes come out of this.
There was a magnetic necklace for sale at the $1.25 store. It was simultaneously unattractive and attractive.
Hey Mexican food restaurant waiter, if the basket is empty you don’t have to ask. YES I WANT MORE CHIPS!
If you start a sentence with “I seen”, i’m just going to go ahead and assume the next part will not be “the inside of a book”
This is a special tweet. Only people who are sex deprived can read this tweet.
Quoting famous dead people on the internet is stupid.
~Confucius
Pooh on Cold Callers:
These are very kind people who call you to ask if you’ve been injured at work. They are so thoughtful they ring several times a day just to make sure you’re all right. I keep telling them I don’t know what work is but they still keep calling me anyway…
Therapist: What’s the problem?
Wife: He makes friends with the strangest things
Me [petting a bee]: You’re not strange are you Alan
So many village idiots. So few dragons.
Doctors say we need a bedtime ritual. Mine is replaying awkward moments from the day and obsessing on them for maximum sleep interruption.
It’s the eye of the tiger.
It’s the spleen of a sheep.
“Hey baby, what dat mouff do?”
It eats. It eats a lot. That’s what.
Hope you enjoy my new song, “Part of This Song’s Title Is in Parentheses (For No Reason).”
A group of toddlers is called a migraine
This selfie angle isn’t to make me look thin, it’s so you can check me for lice
Me: “What’s the haps, yo?”
19yo niece: …
Me: …
19yo niece: …
Me: “I’m sorry.”
Ask your doctor if your dominant hand is right for you
Get out, RUN! That DM was coming from INSIDE THE HOUSE
Scrooge: you there, girl, what day is it?
Rebecca Black: *inhales*
I eat pudding with a fork, so no, crossword puzzles aren’t really my ‘thing’.
Crime and Punishment is my favourite novel about family vacations.