Open heart surgery? No, just rip it out.
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I try not to get political on twitter, but cinderella’s step mom was a real piece of shit
Dog: I don’t get it
Me: What don’t you get?
Dog: Just go over it again
Me: This is MY food and that is YOUR food
Dog: *tilts head* What?
can’t now..
having an heated argument with my toaster.
Our house is too small for a proper hallway. We pretend, though, and give directions like “it’s in the bedroom down the hall.”
I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word.
Everyone is freaking out because I brought my own gavel to court, no one knows if I’m allowed to do this, the judge is crying
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc u hate ventriloquism
HER: yes
BUNNY: [quietly] don’t let her see u cry
I dated a girl that wore a mood ring. When happy it would be a pretty blue colour. When she was mad it made a big oval mark on my forehead.
ME: Off to the concert with my friends
WIFE: Say hi to everyone for me[later]
ME [individually saying hi to 10,000 ppl] This is exhausting
I believe you cannot save people, you can only just love them. Which is probably why my job as a lifeguard didn’t last long.
interview tip #86
be honest when asked about yourself
[later]
interviewer: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
My kids: ROAD TRIP!
My kids, ten minutes later:
Hate flying? Try American Airlines. They do too.
Today:
– do what I bloody well please
– hurl insults in iambic pentameter
– sexy bacon eating
– ale
– archery
– ladies
– enjoy the little things (like violent mood swings)
– pies
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i never listen to u
HER: yes
ME: k see u tonight
Incredible customer service.
*Gets on plane*
*Takes out earbuds*
*Untangles earbuds*
*Plane lands*
Yes,I put my kid on a leash. I’m not scared of her being abducted. I just REALLY wanted a puppy instead.
cat 911: what ur emergency
my cat: my owner just closed the bathroom door
cat 911: have u tried screaming at the top of ur lungs
Reverse cowboy is when you scatter the herd and actively promote bandits and wolves to take what they will.
Claiming that someone else’s marriage is against ur religion is like being angry at someone for eating a donut because ur on a diet.
First rule of robbing banks is you have to shout, “THIS IS A ROBBERY!” Otherwise they might think it’s a baptism.
I like men with glasses because once they come off everything is a little blurry and I’m very okay with that
My daughter found out that she can type 36.2 words per minute when texting. Which is odd because she always answers my texts with “k”.
Damn, can’t believe I’m getting all of this backlash just for being objectively shitty
Got that cool new virus rsv and it feels awesome being early on this one. It’s like doing all your homework on Friday so you don’t need to worry the rest of the weekend
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid we only had one uncoated pain reliever that started dissolving the second it hit your tongue.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
Angel: They’re gonna shave you & make stuff outta your hair
Sheep: OK
Angel: They’re gonna ride on your back & use you to pull things
Horse: Got it
Angel: And you–
Cow: You got anything a little kinky?
Angel: Oh we got you covered
When we were dating my wife never once tried to take any of my hoodies. I have 3 teenage daughters and my hoodies are nowhere to be found.
I never saw it coming. Well played ladies.
Overheard my girls discussing how they each want 6 kids someday and “Mom will help!” so this is when I start planning my future island bartending life.