“Open Mike Night” sounded like a lot of fun until I realised I’d been invited to an autopsy.
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I’m pretty certain the inventor of the ball gag was someone who had just had sex with a loud talker
Random person outside of Target: is it ok if I pray for you?
Me: sure! While you’re at it can you pray they never find the knife and blood soaked clothes I buried? Kthanks!
You can’t tell me to make mental health a priority and also keep putting calorie counts on restaurant menus.
As ice water runs down my face I conclude, “Boy, you sure like to eat bread!” is not a comment a lady on a dinner date enjoys hearing.
“Maybe she’s born with it, but most likely she botched it at home” should be my slogan when I color my own hair.
Dear Parker, I’m typing this because the fountain pen you sold me does not, I repeat DOES NOT, work in fountains.
Please advise me of your returns policy forthwith.
Gonna spend the day staring at the Sun. Eclipse practice.
Ever notice most Ford names are more fun to say when you put “anal” in front of them?
Probe, Explorer, Excersion, Ranger…
[presents children to cashier]
I’d like to return these faulty condoms lol
How many lost cats walk by the telephone pole with their missing flier on it? Just another reason to teach your cat to read.
‘Pumpkin’ has got to be the weirdest pet name. How do you look at the person you cherish and adore and decide to call them the second largest squash in North America?
I hate gender stereotypes.
Sometimes I give my son a drink in a pink cup and my daughter a drink in a blue cup, just to test their reactions.
Turns out they don’t like whisky.
Two squirrels in the park were going at it on a tree trunk. And there wasn’t any sensitive content warning.
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
My favorite Bible story is the one where thousands more people show up to Jesus’ party than RSVP’d but he still had enough cake for everyone
Old timey ghosts are boring. I want to be haunted by a valley girl with giant hoop earrings.
Thanks to a fan for this one.
I went outside without makeup on. A child cried and I think a bird flew into a window on purpose.
ME: *walks in with ball rammed into my mouth* Happeh nuh?
JUDGE: Not what a gagging order means! Are you sure you want to defend yourself?
hmmm
me: where did you put my gravy boat?
son: on the table, next to the lettuce
me: the lettuce, the ICEBURG lettuce?
son: dad, stop with the titanic jokes
Anyone know a Minecraft interpreter? I don’t understand my son’s Christmas list.
Let’s make “door pants” a thing. Those pants you leave by your front door so when delivery people knock on your door you have easy access.
Like sure, yes. Encouraging independent play is good for a kid’s development but like…these people sound like they just want to leave their babies in the wilderness for the wolves to raise
Nothing says “I m not interested” quite as loudly as showing up for a date
I was on my way to the gym and this strong gust of wind blew me into a McDonald’s and 3 Big Macs fell in my lap.
If you say liberry instead of library, we can definitely be friends because I will always feel like the smart friend
These doctor forms keep asking how often I fall down…
…it’s like they’ve been tailing me.
The last time I had sex, there was a dinosaur in the cave with us.
Potato chips bragging about having less fat – I don’t think you understand people who eat you.