“OPEN THE DOOR IT’S THE POLICE”
who is it?
“POLICE”
what is a police
*cops start whispering*
“how does he not know what a police is”
You Might Also Like
grocery cart: [stuck to several other grocery carts] please. my family. can they come too?
me: no. one only.
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
Working from home is fun because a tiny version of myself is dancing in their underwear next to me as I try to maintain a straight face during a meeting
[Scientific Conference]
Scientist 1: So science?
Scientist 2: *nodding* Science.
Waldo has a tough time at the gym because no one spots him
“Because of the number of nerve endings, a hangnail is among the most painful things a human can experience.” but the nurse completely ignored me and rudely continued telling my wife to push through the contractions.
Ways in which I’m like a bus:
– Often late
– Breakdown at the worst possible times
– Demand change from other people
– Weird smells
*Checks typos in the mail before sending*
*Checks again, to be sure*
*Clicks on Send*
*Goes to sent mails*
There’s a typo in the Subject
Buy all the cute stuffed animals you want but your toddler is going to sleep with a spatula instead
Uh oh…
[commercial for soup]
NARRATOR: ever wanna drink a sandwich?
“Stop texting me. If I wanted to go on the second date, I wouldn’t have stolen all your jewelry.”
the hippothalmus is the part of the brain that controls how hungry hungry you get
TIP: if ur worried about the airworthiness of the plane you’re on offer it a chip. If it eats it you’re on a seagull. Disembark immediately
Went into a massage parlor & asked for the happy ending, now I’m tucked into bed with a Korean woman reading me Cinderella.
Me: Welcome to McDonalds, can I take your McOrder?
McDonalds Boss: Again *rubs temples* you don’t need to put Mc in front of words
Me: Oh ok *turns back to customer* welcome to Donalds
[at a party]
Host: may I take your coat?
Me: nah I’ll be needing that in about 10 minutes
The IRS just called me so I wired $5000 to their office in Pakistan just like they said so I hope that solves everything
Never sell a golf club on Facebook to someone from East Kilbride!
The rain was bonkers in Brooklyn today. When I got to the MTA station, all the trains had stopped running! But on the bright side I stayed and got scuba certified.
At least try to make it slightly believable
Dr: Your Mom is like regular moms except we lost her in surgery.
Me: Did you just use a joke format to tell me my mom died
Dr: yep
Doctor: you’ve got-
Me: [cigarette in mouth] lung cancer?
Doctor: nope, diabetes
Me: huh [finishes eating candy cigarette] weird
If lemonade is made from lemons, what’s a colonnade made from?
THEM: What’s it called when you think about them all the time?
ME: Love.
T: What if it’s about murdering them all the time?
M: Also love.
Some women complain that their husbands aren’t observant, not me. I’ve been wearing a new ruby ring (that my husband doesn’t know he bought me) for 3 days now and I’m thrilled he hasn’t noticed.
When I ask, “Is it genetic?” What I’m really asking is, “Can I blame my ancestors?”
[10mins from now]
..& just like that North Korea was removed from history & got nuked by every country on Earth for bringing down Twitter..
yeah i can totally shred on the guitar do you want romaine lettuce or cheese
I keep getting questions about whether or not I’m actually running for president. The answer is yes. And on top of that, I’m holding a knife, so I’m running even faster than all the other candidates.