*open up knapsack and a parachute comes out*
Kid: But that means-
*Dad is hurtling towards the ground with a sandwich and apple*
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I’d take the high road if it weren’t for the debilitating vertigo.
Apparently my kids think, “Be quiet for a half hour so I can take a nap,” actually means, “Host a rave in the hallway.”
your mom gives me a small baked snack. it’s on a napkin. idk where the trash can is so I just eat that too
Helena Bonham Carter eats eight spiders a day. Not in her sleep, just whenever.
Wild horses absolutely could drag me away. So could tame ones for that matter. Actually you know what I’m calling an Uber.
11yo said he can’t wait to grow up so he won’t have to do chores anymore. I had forgotten how cathartic it is to laugh until you cry.
The directions to this wedding are in kilometers. I’m either going to be way early or way late.
My dad is on Instagram now and my plan is to comment on all of his photos with horny reply guy shit like “So f****** beautiful” and “I’d let you do that to me anytime” until he deletes it.
Though we appreciate your application for the position, HR has decided to go with a potted plant instead.
GUY: Sorry you two broke up. What happened?
ME: Well, like most things, it can be traced to the assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand…
An unaddressed parcel arrives. Inside is a diorama of your living room with a figure of you staring into an open unmarked parcel. The figure looks up at you and shrieks. You hear another tiny shriek from inside their parcel.
Tastes like chicken.
I JUST CANT LOOK ITS KILLING ME
Me: Nice biker jacket. You ride?
Him: No
Me: So you’re a liar?
Him:
Me:
Him: Nice yoga pants
Me: That jacket looks so awesome on you!
Most guys will go gay for the night with the right amount of sangria & Foreigner playing in the background
Don’t ask me how I know
just had a really bad argument with some guy I invented in my head
1st snow: let’s play in the snow!
2nd snow: let’s watch movies about snow.
3rd snow: let’s move.
[inventing jogging]
how can I suffer but with music
sorry I missed your call, 95% of the calls I get are from robots trying to steal my credit card information so this entire method of communication is now dead to me
Saw a werewolf at the bus stop this morning. Or possibly just a very hairy guy. Either way, the silver bullets worked.
I’m proud to announce that am winning my fight against sobriety.
It’s bullshit that my dog is a licensed therapy dog and he can’t prescribe medication
Me: Wouldn’t it be funny if a hawk swooped down and grabbed one of the kids?
Him: You need help.
Boss: *swivelling in his chair to greet me as I enter his office* I have a job for you
Me: *sighing* again?
Boss: again
Me: *spins his chair*
Boss: weeeeeeeeeeeeeee
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
“I” before “E”, except after “C”. That’s an efficient rule. Very efficient. Yep…efficient.
I love writing because it combines my two favorite hobbies: sitting and self-doubt.
What if Adele was calling from inside the house?!
Oh thank goodness, my Uber driver knows what’s really wrong with this country.
I’m a barista which means I have 100 boyfriends and everyday they each give me one dollar