Oh Magic 8-Ball, will anyone ever love me?
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me: can you calm down
The Leg Bounce™: I literally cannot
“Voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop.”
-corduroys
[ Anything I buy from now until Christmas, I consider it a gift… ]
Kids! Close your eyes and hold out your hands!
“Toilet paper?!”
If everything happens for a reason, explain Windows update.
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
GOD: A snake that is also a cat lol
ANGEL: What
GOD: Cat snake lmao
I am out of wine, so I ate a bag of grapes and threw myself down the stairs.
My daughter acts like she’s on the police hostage negotiation team anytime me or her mother goes to the bathroom & shuts the door.
me: this cat is kissing me on the lips because it LOVES me
cat: mother’s lips taste perpetually of bacon
before you test me just know there are no toddlers allowed in prison and that sounds really nice to me right about now
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
As per my baby book, I held my head up alone the first day I got home. I may be a lot of things, but I was no soft-necked baby.
a pez dispenser but for teeny tiny eclairs
I’m eating this banana sideways so my husband doesn’t get the wrong idea.
asked my bf how work was today
I hate when drinks say to shake well. Like we’re all just masters of shaking things
My ex girlfriend has a tattoo of a shell on her inner thigh. If you put your ear to it you can smell the ocean.
My life is a rollercoaster. There’s a lot of sitting down and screaming.
Whenever someone asks how i’m doing & walks away before i answer..I write “GREAT” on the side of thier car with my keys!
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
this guy with binoculars has been watching me watch him with binoculars and i don’t know who’s winning
I set up my Nativity scene, but since baby Jesus hasn’t arrived yet, Mary, Joseph and all the Wise Men are just looking down at their phones.
Fitness level – too much Popeyes, zero spinach
Oldest kid: [Sick]
Youngest kid: [Sick]
Wife and me: [Staring each other down]
Wife: [Sneezes]
Me: Hahaha there can only be one-
Wife: [Sneezes on me]
The 6th day of xmas was the worst day of xmas bc after getting 5 golden rings she thought he moved on to jewelry & did not expect more birds
I requested better work conditions but my boss screamed and threw his toy at me and now we’re both sitting in the playpen crying
I gave a co-worker my word today …
And yes, the word started with the letter ‘F’ …
Momma, I hid my milk!
-A Parenting Horror Story
My son didn’t think it was funny when I told him go “go forth and multiply” before his math exam.