Scooby Doo was awesome because he would just shout his own name when things got exciting.
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Mark Wahlberg’s mom: Marky Mark! It’s time for a snacky snacky before you take a nappy nap.
Mark Wahlberg: Jesus, mom. I’m 44. What snack?
That awkward moment when you text a pretty girl, “my shirt smells like you” & you misspell shirt
I tried some Dirty Dancing in a neighbour’s herb garden. I had the thyme of my life.
3-year-old is weeping because my husband hurt her feelings. Turns out he told her she can’t eat heaping spoonfuls of butter. Incredibly hurtful.
Today, I saw a sign outside a dental office that said “We do our business in your mouth” and I haven’t stopped laughing.
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
Me: *runs into burning house*
Lady: Everyone is out of the house already!
Me: *comes back out eating their cheese*
“netflix: are you still watching” bro, i have kids, i’ve been trying
You know you are old when you say “I’m old” and nobody wants to object to it.
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
I just had the best argument in my head and I cannot wait until someone pisses me off.
I’m calling about the poster for your missing cat. Why not ask the guy who took that picture? Just kidding, I ran over it.
If my partner didn’t want me to wear yoga pants because they make me too attractive to other men, I’d respect his wishes and take them off.
The year is 2087. We finally have flying cars. Grey’s Anatomy has been on for 82 years.
coconuts are mammals. i know this because they are furry, they produce milk, and make excellent companions
The purpose of hangers is to put a zig zag wrinkle in your pants at the knees.
Me: what’s the first thing you want to do after the quarantine?
Wife: get a babysitter.
I got asked for nudes once and I was like, “No, I’m married.” And he was like, “Yeah, I know. I’m your husband.”
Who else holds a fridge door open like you’re waiting for some answers?
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
[guy glaring at me because he wants my parking spot]
*adds 72,000 hours to the meter*
I have two options:
1) go and pick up my son from after school club and get absolutely soaked in the rain.
2) leave him there for the weekend.
me: it’s okay in my book
5: what book? can I see the book?
me: it’s hypothetical
5: what’s hypothetical mean?
me: well, um, hold on, there’s gotta be a book around here somewhere…
Is that a fresh botox treatment in your face or are you just surprised to see me?
True love is knowing which parts of Bohemian Rhapsody are yours and which are theirs as you belt it out in the car.
I don’t know who needs to hear this*, but vinegar isn’t a condiment
*The British. The British need to hear this
You know what celebrity they should get for Dancing With the Stars? That plastic bag from American Beauty.
[dinner w/friends]
“How long you two been married?”
It’s been thirt- (wife shaking head)
teenish twenty- (still shaking)
for a long time.
Bagged lunch circa 1984
-sack of flour
-room temperature buttermilk
– note from mom saying “figure it out”