@ch000ch: OPEN UP. THIS IS THE POLICE. THANK YOU. CAN WE USE YOUR BATHROOM
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@JediGigi: Um how poor are you to sell your own yard? For real. And like, nobody's going to buy it with tables full of junk all over it. Geez. Idiots.
@TheSnideOne: What I say: "Does anyone need anything from the store?" What I mean: "I'm off to smoke a bowl in my car so I can deal with all of you."
@TheMichaelRock: Me: Be back after lunch! Boss: OK Me: *texts boss APRIL FOOLS LOL* *goes home, turns on baseball*
@XplodingUnicorn: [scale says I've gained 5 pounds] Me: It's probably just what I'm wearing. Wife: You're naked. Me: Wife: Me: It's a heavy deodorant.