OPEN UP. THIS IS THE POLICE. THANK YOU. CAN WE USE YOUR BATHROOM
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Ok… (slowly closes laptop and hurls it into the sea)
“When one door closes, another one opens.” -Boeing
The date abruptly ended when an argument over who’s the hottest Disney princess spiralled out of control.
“Dad, what do you hate most about being divorced and living alone?”
“It takes 1 month for me to fill up the goddamn dishwasher.”
Sex is like lasagna – there’s absolutely no reason for it to involve spinach in any form.
How I look taking the 2000th photo of my dog sleeping
That’s why you always keep moving. Don’t leave a digital footprint. Get a new identity, cut ties with family and friends. Keep a go-bag behind your bedroom drywall, stop watching reality TV.
That last one doesn’t have anything to do with being on the run, it’s just a good idea
In case you’re wondering how sadistic toddlers are, my 3yo just bit into a hard boiled egg and was upset that there wasn’t a baby in it.
A plastic surgery slogan:
Because You Don’t Have A Good Personality Either
Microwave:
Me: *waves back*
every. time.
[first day as lawyer]
me: obj—
judge: —shut up noob
After clipping my toddler’s fingernails for over 2 years, I think I could diffuse a bomb while riding a roller coaster.
I saw a man getting ready to fight someone and he took out his airpods and gave them to his friends like they were hoops
me: *emerging from a ten year coma*
dad: well look who finally got up
Take a look at trending topics and you’ll realize why they have to write “do not eat” on dry silica packets.
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
Current anxiety level: kindergartner who can’t unbutton his pants
Someone please tell me this is for something other than a baby conference/infant symposium
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog.
I don’t need pepper spray to stop a mugger, I just open my wallet and blow the dust in their eyes
I’m planning to save money on Christmas gifts this year by wrapping up all the toys my toddler dropped behind the couch.
I try to avoid things that make me fat, like scales, mirrors, and photographs.
If hockey comes back this season we should be allowed to appoint one single fan to watch the games who’s only job is to shout “shoot!” on the power-play and occasionally bang on the glass.
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a puncher” and see how it goes.
Sign at The Vatican says ladies should respectfully have their shoulders and knees covered. Turns out they mean everything inbetween as well
❤Missed connection❤
You were the street magician who pointed at me and asked me to shout out the name of a card
I was the guy in the red shirt who panicked and shouted out “PIKACHU” whilst you rolled your eyes
i’m pretty sure chicken soup was meant for a bowl, not your soul
LIFE – 3 out of 5 stars
him: almost every joke has been told before. gotta be creative with delivery
me: gotcha
[later]
me, in fancy dress: *rings his doorbell holding a pizza*