A close talker, a loud talker, and a cougher walked into an elevator to punish me for not hitting the close door button fast enough.
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When I see a guy sleeping on an unfolded cardboard box, I never know if he’s homeless or just tired from breakdancing.
It’s not that he liked big butts; it’s that he could not lie. THAT’S why Sir Mix-a-Lot deserved his knighthood.
My 4-year-old asked what drunk means.
I said “Happy”
Now I have to go to a meeting at her preschool because she told everyone she’s drunk.
50 shades – only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he lived in a trailer, it would be another episode of criminal minds
Ok, ok, here’s the plan. When Bezos goes into space we move the planet so he can’t find us anymore.
It never worked for my parents but we’re talking some much further distance here.
Sign in the elevator: Please keep 6-foot distance.
Width of elevator: 5 feet.
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
Remember, you can disappear into the woods whenever you want. You’re an adult.
if you take a selfie at a dad’s funeral, his hand will rise up out of the casket and give you bunny ears
Kids are a great reminder that, when life knocks you down, you can’t stay down for long. No, because literally they’re going to ask you to make them a sandwich like right after.
I woke up deciding to incorporate the parkour lifestyle into my daily life then reconsidered as I fell over again putting my jeans on
Ever look at someone and think you could spend the rest of your life saying. “What?” to this person?
I have to get Rosetta stoned to figure out what my pothead sister is texting me.
I hate when people refer to some tv shows or snacks as “guilty pleasures.” You shouldn’t feel guilty based on what you’re eating or watching. You should feel guilty all the time.
I hate it when my 4th grader doesn’t get an 100% on her school project.
I mean, I really worked on it.
“There’s approximately a 50% chance there will be weather today.”
-meteorologists
my kid learned what money was today at 9 am and by noon he was ready to stab me over 27 cents
[crime scene]
•detective flips open pocket watch•
Hmmm…precisely what I thought
“What’s that sir”
•closes watch•
It’s lunch time
Raise your hand if you ever ran out of toilet paper and had to use a coffee filter.
So, just me..
I just opened an email from the vet wishing my dog a happy birthday.
I replied asking them to call her because she can’t read.
When they say “all expenses paid” does that include bail?
You call the carnival ride dangerous.
I call it “Natural Selection’s Li’l Helper.”
The best sick burn I ever dispensed was when I showed up to eat on a patio with a group and I had an umbrella and a girl said “don’t be such a pessimist!” and I responded “I’m not a pessimist, I just know how to read a weather report” and then stared at her.
[First date]
Her: I love to travel.
Me: *stands up with basketball* I don’t think this is gonna work.
I’m so hungry I could Instagram a horse.
Tweriod: That time of the month when all my tweets are moody, retain water and are about chocolate and cheesecake
9yo son: The difference between moms and dads is that when you say “I’m hungry,” moms say “go eat something” and dads say “hi, Hungry, I’m dad.”
Early Bird: *gets worm*
Late Bird: *snacking on Doritos*
Early Bird: SONOFA
Hey, your parents conceived you the same year my parents conceived me, let us be friends! High school is stupid.
Boys will be boys. Girls will be girls. Koalas will be koalas. Just about everything will be the things they are. That’s how this works.