[group therapy]
me: you ever feel so full of rage that you wish you could just ram somebody with your car and then throat punch them when they stumble out?
voldemort: uhh no
joker: yikes
darth vader: seriously what is wrong with you
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I Photoshop paddington into a movie or TV show until I forget: Day 520
HULK:*smashes a tank*
IRON MAN:*flies bomb into space to save mankind*
HAWKEYE: I have an arrow w/ your name on it pal, hold on stand still
Over the last few months I’ve collected enough wine corks to raise the Titanic
(Shoots my husband in the eye with a Waterpik)
Me: How do you like it?
I accidentally rubbed some ketchup in my eye. Now I have Heinz sight.
I’m hungry – like I could eat a hot fudge sundae. Ok – I’m driving to the supermarket. Because I’m a motivated doer.
My will has a list of friends not allowed to speak at my funeral.
Woke up in a graveyard. Never felt more alive.
Put my back out twerking in the library again
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions.
“He stole a penguin from the zoo.”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A BUTLER, KAREN.
*Gets 20 Year High School Reunion Invite in mail*
I’m not going to this shit, that’s what Facebook is for.
*reads ‘open bar’*
Aaaand I’m in.
(Me,after returning from exam)
Mom: (Greeting) How was your paper?
Me: I wrote what I knew, I copied what I didn’t knew.
I gave up my ambition to be a wizard after I accidentally turned a frog into a corporate advertising executive.
Roses are red
Violets are lovely
The fastest way to anyone’s heart
Is a left lateral thoracotomy#medicalvalentine
Coworker’s 9yo son asked to write a diary of a character from Macbeth. He chose the King.
Day 1: excited about visiting ma wee friend macbeth and hoping he does nae kill me in ma sleep.
day 2 (ghost king): i cannae believe he killed me
They wrote “Kevin” on my coffee cup lol how do you get “Kevin” from “David” not to mention they got my order completely wrong
I think my cleaning people are stealing my paranoia medication.
It has come to my attention that at this time last year I may have dared 2018 to “come at me,” and it did.
Dear 2019: I don’t want to cause any trouble. Please put down that broken bottle so we can get along.
I have to stop saying “Because I’m Batman” all the time. It’s not cute anymore. Oh wait. Yea it is! You know why? Because I’m Batman.
[in deep space]
Everyone: [in hypersleep]
Me: [wakes up every few hours to pee]
“that’s why they pay me the medium bucks” always kills in meetings. that’s free for you to use any time you want, buddy. little gift from me to you
What idiot called it Black Friday and not Welcome to the Jingle
Dogs are lucky because no one cares when they bite people who antagonize them. Even after a warning, people still freak out when I do it.
Please look at this text I just received from my boyfriend and yes you have the same amount of context as I do
My reaction to most music that has been released in the last ten years is “what did they just say?”
People who like to ask, “What do you like to do for fun?” are the reason I carry an air horn in my purse.
How to stop checking someone’s Facebook page:
1. Delete your Facebook profile
2. Break your phone
3. Give away your laptop
4. Die
the worst words you can hear after putting something in the dishwasher: “that’s clean”
Hurricane Facebook Events are back y’all
My special superpower is seeing patterns. Grandma thinks it’s a bullshit superpower, her knitting room is full of them