@CatsForDinnerz: Opened a can of expired beans and an eagle flew out carrying a photo of a can of fresh beans. I nervously ate the photo while he observed.
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@KevinFarzad: Every political Facebook status should start with, "First of all, I have no idea what I'm talking about."
@Mr_Kapowski: My 8 y/o memorized my 12 character password that has upper and lowercase letters, numbers and symbols but can't remember to flush the toilet
@Roxtalled: Boss: Why is Pizza Hut listed as your emergency contact? Me: Because if things ever get crazy, they'll know where to find me.
@underchilde: I’m just going to keep telling people they’re pretty until someone offers to pay for my laser eye surgery.