STAND-UP COMEDIAN: you know how after sex-
ME: [stands up all mad] this isn’t relatable at all
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What idiot decided to call them meteorologists and not Storm Troopers
Oh good, my kid got a small cut and wiped his hand on the wall, so now the house has a taste for blood
Remember “pantsing” people in high school… sneaking up behind one of your bros and slipping an extra pair of pants on over his pants
The horn quit working in my truck, so I’m hanging out of the window revving this chainsaw at pedestrians.
Wife: HAHAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA
[we put our clothes back on]
It could have been love, but then I caught her putting a perfectly good steak in an air fryer.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Was it the air guitar?
Cop: *shy* Yeah can… can I get your autograph?
Me: Happens all the time.
Cop: Thanks!
Me: Hey! This is a ticket!
If I pick up two cinder blocks and walk into the cold, cold Atlantic while we are talking please don’t take it personally
Always the person who refuses to go to the wedding.
Never the bride.
zombie kid: why am i being punished
zombie dad: because i found your hand in the cookie jar
Hey Guinevere *knight flips up his visor* Hast thou considered my proposal? Because *unsheathes blade* I’m sword of a big deal.
I could literally be on fire burning to death and my kids would ask me to open their snack rather than any other adult around.
WHAT I SAY: that’s one way of looking at it
WHAT I MEAN: in the history of stupid things said by stupid people, what just came out of your mouth is, by far, the stupidest. If there were stupidity trophies, yours would be gold plated and set atop a plinth reading STUPID.
That scary part in parenthood when your toddler turns into one of them raptors from Jurassic Park and learns how to open doors
“That Will Smith is a nice young man, I hope he wins Celebrity Apprentice.”
No Grandma, that’s Ben Carson and this is the Republican Debate
I’m brave but not just grab any shampoo off the store shelf without smelling it before buying it brave.
We talk a big game for a species that has a favourite cup
Got into a bar fight last night about how to pronounce Steve Buscemi’s name. We later shook hands when Buscemi agreed that I was right
All I’m saying is no one ever country westerns you like a hurricane.
Nothing prepares you for the metamorphosis of when you open your mouth and your mother comes out.
GARY JOHNSON: let me debate, i wanna debate, lemme lemme
MODERATOR: FINE! how will you deal with big banks
JOHNSON: like…river banks, or
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
I waitress because if I don’t get screamed at twice a day about condiments, I don’t feel like I have put in an honest days work.
me: welcome to todays episode of cribs! this crib has a bouncy castle, lets check it out
[45 mins later]
camera man: should we see other stuff now?
me: *out of breath* no
PROPOSAL: Rebrand shootings as “late-term abortion.” Watch the GOP scramble to stop them.
Him: I’m a lover, not a fighter
Me: [already has on boxing gloves]
Awwww, that’s so sweet, should be an easy knockout then
Sex so good you see dead people.
reminder that one halloween i got an “unknown activity” alert on my security camera and it was me in a shrek costume
My girlfriend broke up with me. I am devastated. How could you. I did everything. I surprised you with burgers every night
She said we needed to talk and…
I said, “Yeah, I think we should break up, too.”
She said, “About where to eat.”
“Oh,” I said, “Pizza?”