Opened the bathroom cupboard and a bunch of feminine hygiene products fell out on me.
It was a tampede.
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Why did they call it an umbilical cord and not womb service?
Nephew: omg look at how thick your ipad is.
Me: That’s a book.
Mankind is capable of unimaginable feats of engineering and yet the windows on the airplane never line up with the seats.
Age is just a number….that now takes a really long time to scroll to.
Prop Manager *checks gun*
“There are real bullets in here.”Rookie prop assistant: “Yeah we are out of fake blood.”
english teacher: *yelling* I am APPALLED
me:
me: ok
me: what is a pald
My son feels about broccoli the way I feel about having to make a phone call.
ME: On the one hand, I have this weird rash. And on the other hand
DATE: ??
ME: It’s on both hands, I should probably see a doctor
I’m convinced that if Earth explodes all the cats will land safely on the moon, on their feet.
I’m no scientist, but if that ebola virus is communicable, that means WE CAN TALK TO IT.
The family that dives into an active volcano together stays together.
“Your resume says weaknesses: hide & seek”
Yeah
“Can you demonstrate?”
Sure, count to 10
*Counts to 10 & opens eyes*
*I’m literally on fire*
Revenge is a dish best served with revengetables.
Pro tip: Doing the worm into your bosses office makes him forget what he wanted to yell at you about
Me: It’s cute how obsessed you are with me. All you talk about is what I’ve done.
Judge: That’s my job!
I came across 3 snakes while mowing the yard today, but those of you in North America already know that because you heard me scream
Worst perfume name ever.
First they came for the mime artists, and I said something, because I didn’t want them to think I was also a mime artist.
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
When I’m old, I’m gonna giggle uncontrollably, squirm, and go all sack of potatoes on my son when he tries to get me in the car as payback.
What were you doing in the shower for so long?
Me: Just shaving my legs and definitely not pretending to be in a sad music video in the rain
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
What idiot called it “salad” and not “la sad”
The only times I go for a jog is when there’s a cute guy in front of me or a creepy guy behind me.
Dear women, when you’re not around we load the dishwasher properly.
If I don’t stick to my diet, people are going to start calling me the last chairbender.
Women call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.
Then they call me ugly and poor.
I just made bacon for dessert, I’m not in the mood to be trifled with
Don’t quote me on this, but I’m pretty sure the guy who invented ice fishing must’ve REALLY hated his wife.
Oh I must be looking sexy this morning…the donut shop glazed the hell outta those donuts