*opening a bag of chips*
Librarian: Ma’am, you can’t have food in the library
Me: It’s my emotional support snack
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In my previous life I was a gorgeous philosopher named Mediocrates
I hate when I’m cleaning my house and accidentally watch three seasons of a show.
Me: “authenticity” is a weird concept with food. Most people would consider pizza to be more Italian than American. But the tomato only came to Italy in the 16th Century from, you guessed it, the Americas
Domino’s guy: please let me go, the app knows where I am
Are you there Santa?
It’s me, Midge
Robber: I’ll kill you if your wife doesn’t answer my questions
Me: Oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Wife: Over there
Robber: What’s the code?
Wife: 5743
Robber: What do you want for dinner?
Me: oh no
[1st date]
Him: Wanna come back to my place for a bit?Me: I thought you’d never ask
Him: Oh, really? *winks*
Me: Yes, I need somewhere less crowded to summon the Dark Lord
When I write “I hope this email finds you well” I’m referring to the email’s skills in tracking you down.
I’m not buying a coffee table until I finish walking around the furniture store barefoot kicking legs to see which hurts the least.
Wife: how’d you get that burn on your arm??
Me (looking fabulous): not from your curling iron
Kills Two mosquitoes with spray.
*writes DEADLY ASSASSIN in bio*
Good cop: If you just let us know where the body is, we’ll let you go
Bad Batman: Ben Affleck
Its 4 am and my foot fell asleep are we doing this one body part at a time now
My pessimism has never failed me, but I’m sure someday it will.
I’ve been inventing problems to hide the fact that I spend all my time on twitter. But it’s cool because now my kid thinks I know how to fix the leaky drip tray on the piano and can properly set a fallen eagle’s broken wing.
Sorry, I sometimes blackmail people when I’m nervous….
I feel like one of these would kill a European
(Teaching my kid about screwdrivers)
Remember: righty tighty, lefty loosey.
That’s it now the vodka’s open get the orange juice.
Sending a letter to Netflix informing them that I’m currently unemployed and the “are you still watching?” question is 100% not necessary.
My toddler just discovered he can put things in his pants pockets, so laundry should be fun tomorrow.
Sorry for loudly singing “Whoomp there it is!” when you took your pants off. It’s been a while.
Everyone’s gangster until they have to carry a leaking compost bag to the bin outside.
Ryan Reynolds is my cousin
~ me flirting
~ also me lying
The best way to let someone know you hate them is to ask them to be in a wedding
He told her that trees blossom in her presence. What he meant was that she scares the sap back up into them.
[funeral]
WIFE: remember, don’t be stupid
ME: *to widow* I’m sorry u lost your husband
WIDOW: thank you
ME: do u want me to go look for him
Hi, I’m your car’s radio. I’ll be playing terrible music during your trip, but once you get out of the car I’ll play your favorite song.
It’s so obvious that she wants me. She avoids me at all costs probably because her feelings are so strong for me.
Yeah, I’ll go with that.
Netflix subtitles be like “[speaks Japanese]” well okay baby but what they saying???
Paula Hawkins: What should I call my book about a girl on a train?
Publicist: Let’s call the guy who named the movie ‘Snakes On A Plane’.