Grocery store: “Instead of buying a bunch of basil you can buy this basil plant and then you’ll have months’ worth of dead basil plant.”
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I can’t get the cork off my dinner.
I’m going to be real with you. my dinners lately are just sort of me throwing things into a pot like a witch in a cartoon
That’s not fat. It’s bonus content.
When people dig up a grave in the movies it’s always so fast. It usually takes me days.
Ever had a dream with someone in it who didn’t quite make sense? They were in your life, but not on a dream level? Like, I don’t know why I’m drowning in this car submerged in a lake, but I especially don’t know why I’m doing it with you, girl from my junior year sociology class.
america: tremble at our nuclear might
also america: we skip the number 13 on elevators when we build skyscrapers cos that’s spooky
7: MOMMY!
Me: *flys out of bed* What’s wrong?
7: I don’t know what time it is
Me: It’s the middle of the night
7: Then why are you awake?
Wanna see my Oscar?
*knocks on garbage can lid*
How to answer the door:
1. See person has arrived
2. Wait for doorbell
3. Count to five
4. Open and act surprised
If two wrongs don’t make a right, I might as well try for three.
It sucks when you & your pal show up at a party wearing the same shirt…and an hour in, his chest hair starts sticking to your back.
There are 2 kinds of twitter.
Dude warned me he doesn’t always respond to texts right away.
It’s been 476 days. Dude wasn’t playin
Drawing faces on light bulbs so a face finally lights up when I walk in a room.
I love therapy sessions because I get to cry for an hour. It usually freaks out my patient, though
Our Ideal candidate:
-Minimum 3,000 years exp.
-Must have 8 PhD’s
-Speak Klingon
80 hrs a week
$7.15 an hour
Must be passionate about work!
nobody tell me how the eclipse goes today I’ll be watching it on delay
The only time your man will surprise you is when you specifically tell him what you want.
to be Frank, i would have to change my name.
Not too proud of the sounds I just made when a mouse popped out of a bag I grabbed in the garage.
Just saw a woman eating pickled garlic straight out of a jar and although it was terribly disturbing, it did remind me that I really need to move that mirror
Wife: wtf is this pile of clothes doing on the floor?
Me: I struck down a Jedi.
W: god I hate you.
M: yes, use your hate
What’s the normal amount of hair to mail someone? I feel like this is a lot of hair I’m mailing to someone
[to the person sitting next to me on my flight] where u headed
The worst thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
The best thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
There aren’t any 50% off Fourth of July candy sales today, but surely there are some fingers half off.
NAZI: Some of us Nazis got hurt too
ME: Thoughts and bears
NAZI: Don’t you mean “thoughts and pra–
ME *releasing grizzly bear*: Nope
I didn’t know about mascara, I thought girls just cried ink like squids.
This year, I want to be a better mother, but having kids is making that impossible.
A friend sent me this.