@EliBraden: Opening a Christian gym called 'Jehovah's Fitness'
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@thatdutchperson: *strips naked* "Magic mirror on the wall, who's the fairest of them all?" Cops: he knows we can see him from this side, right?
@badbanana: "And to my son Ronald, I leave my entire collection of mint-condition, never-been-opened LinkedIn Updates emails."
@narcoticpanda: *gets hit by a car* Passerby: "ARE YOU OKAY?" Me: "Please... I need my... phone" *opens Twitter* Me: "LMFAOOOOOOO YALL GUESS WHAT"
@JessicaNorthey: Got a call saying my son got caught lying, cheating & was being expelled. I don't have a son. That kid is one damn good liar