Opening a Christian gym called ‘Jehovah’s Fitness’
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I’m sad… I’m gonna eat some feelings.
*6 hours later*
S.W.A.T. Leader: Sir, she’s eaten the feelings of the entire team! She… *static*
*gets whistled at, but by traffic cop
[phone rings]
Guy: is your refrigerator running?
Me: yes my refrigerator is runn-
Fridge [grabs phone]: hello? Yeah actually I do crossfit
A Riddler origin movie would be like 10 min long bc he’d only have to tell one riddle before getting beaten up and becoming a villain
Kind of jealous of how my alarm can go back to sleep after I tap snooze.
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
This waitress thinks I just left a really good tip, but actually I’m just really bad at math.
Enemas make shit happen. No seriously.
50 Shades of Yellow. #SpongebobMovie #SuperBowl
“Please refrain, Angry God, from using the Newspaper of Doom” the Spider King cries as he orders another sacrifice into your sleeping mouth
Mah Dearest Emma,
War on Christmas is hell. This morn, I saw 7 elves stabbed with 1 menorah. I fear this nog soaked yuletide may nevah end.
Cop cars aren’t very intimidating. Add a crazy plow covered in blood, an anarchy symbol and spinning saw blades and I’ll stop in a heartbeat
this is the most chaotic energy iv ever seen
How to make your house look like a trash can in one easy step:
1. Hand 3yo a muffin on your way to the bathroom.
I know this now.
Villain: We meet again, Mr. Bond
Bond: You don’t remember my 1st name do you
Villain: Sure I do. It’s uh..
Bond: C’mon this is our 3rd fight
Jesus turned water into wine.
I turn food into fertilizer.
We are not the same.
[wedding day of the girl that got away]
any reason why these two shouldn’t be married, speak now or forev[sound of a dirt bike approaching]
This ebola scare is getting out of hand I just threw ebola at someone who said good morning to me before I had my coffee
I attribute my average intelligence to a balanced childhood diet of Smarties & Dum Dums.
Coffee so strong, it still works even though you’ve disabled java.
Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower
[Girl takes off her clothes]
“You have had sex before right?”
[Me, in a suit of armor & holding a cauliflower]
…
“no actually”
batman: who do I see about this ticket?
cop: oh, I wrote it
batman: who tickets the batmobile!?
cop: you were illegally parked
batman: I was fighting crime!
cop: rules are rules
batman: I WAS DOING YOUR JOB!!!!
cop: did you see I wrote “I’m sorry” with a little heart?
Just texted her “thanks for choking on me” I meant “checking” but kinda curious what the response is gonna be.
*combines 2% and 1% to create 3% milk*
[Enter password: ] MyPeeeeeeeeenis
[Error: password too long]
*high fives my laptop right off the desk*
I feel like every time a GOP candidate drops out, Oompa Loompas should appear & sing a song to teach us about the perils of gluttony & greed
Screaming out “BOOM PREGNANT!” during sex is never as funny as you think it will be.
Him: When was the last time a man held a car door open for you?
“When I was arrested” is not the best answer, apparently
When someone accuses me of making up a word I severely chastigate them.