opening a deli called “Work” a steakhouse caled “The Gym” adn a fried chicken place caled “A Funeral” for ppl who like to eat & need excuses
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Cop: your under arrest
Me: you’re* under arrest
2nd Cop: [handcuffing 1st cop] sorry Ed, but he’s right
Why do I have to steal the Death Star plans?
Nothing this big stays secret.
Just Google them.
There’s probably a torrent somewhere.
{God inventing turtles}
What if a lizard had social anxiety?
[Commercial for Disneyland]
Are you sunburnt and broke? Want to?
Sex is like pizza, there’s NO reason it should ever involve vegetables
[First Day Working At The Zoo]
Me: Well I got the pandas to have sex. It was super easy.
Boss: They actually mated with each other?
Me: Oh not with each other
Thoughts and prayers for 17 who had to walk 10 minutes to school today without music because her second pair of airpods died and I refused to buy her a third pair.
hey can you guys give me an honest review of my cover letter?
Dear hiring manager,
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE
Helped my son flush his betta fish today. He asked “Dad, does God love bettas?” & I said “Dunno, son, ask him after we flush you.”
When the @funTweeters account RTs my tweet.
[on quiz show]
“and if you won some money today keith, what would you do with it?”
*leans way too close into the microphone*
spend it alex
me: I don’t need to write it down, I’ll remember
me 5 seconds later: oh no
When tragedy strikes your community, McDonald’s will still be there to take your money.
Virgo: Sure you can slake your thirst on the blood of your enemies but be careful, their tears have all the electrolytes.
Eww this cheese is disgusting!
*keeps eating it
My neighbor told me coyotes keep eating his outdoor cats so I asked how many cats he has and he said he just goes to the shelter and gets a new cat afterwards so I said it sounds like he’s just feeding shelter cats to coyotes and then his daughter started crying.
[first day in prison]
Cellmate: that’s Flesh Eater Mike
Me: why do they call him that?
Cellmate, quietly as Flesh Eater Mike walks by with blood dripping down his chin: it’s short for Michael
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive my entire childhood.
A pork chop is one of the most dangerous karate moves a pig is capable of.
*strips off clothes, stands on desolate highway holding sign saying “Last Naked Guy For 75 Miles”
To combat the sibling rivalry that’s been occurring at home, we’ve been spending more time outdoors. So essentially they’re just taking it outside.
Shia LaBeouf always manages to come back into our lives at the exact moment we forget how to spell his last name
my favorite part of nascar is when I vomit all over my shirt and car after the race., desecrating the logos of the brands that enslave me
The more I get to know people, the more I realize why Noah only let animals on the boat.
Is age 14 too old to leave your kid on a doorstep?
you, a dumb idiot: today is friday the 13th
me, a wise genius: there have been way more than 13 fridays
On average people watch 8 Spider-Man movies a year in their sleep
Be Careful Driving
#BostonBlizzard2015
8 year old said “Don’t take life too seriously everything finds a way” then I freaked out because I didn’t know there was a kid in my apartment