“Opening a llama acting school called ‘Save the Drama for your Llama.”
“No, I mean where do you see yourself in 5 years with this job?”
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*sees a car with a “how am i driving” bumper sticker*
*calls the phone number*
ME: buddy i think it’s with a steering wheel
Me: Your cat looks pregnant
Friend: Impossible it’s an indoor cat
Me: What have you done
Friend dropping me off at the airport: ok fly safe
Me who is not piloting the plane: ok I will
The awkward part of having the 10 Commandments displayed in US courthouses is realizing that 8 of them are pretty much legal here.
Heard rumors that a coworker slept her way to a promotion. Damn, if the bosses only saw how much I sleep at my desk I’d own this place.
Eye Exam Lamaze Class
Emergency
🤝
Dilated Pupils
If my dog’s front feet move while he’s asleep then I know he’s dreaming about playing the piano. If it’s his back feet, tap dancing.
Twitter crush? Nah, that’s my X girlfriend.
Woke up this morning expecting a raging headache. My husband said, “Wanna know why your head doesn’t hurt so bad? Your last several gin and tonics I ordered for you were just water.”
My 9 year old got an IPhone today and so far I’ve had 93 texts and 14 FaceTime calls from the other room just to say “Whatcha doin?”
Never call it a guest room.
That’s just asking for trouble.
me: listen pal no one talks to me that way
guy with british accent:
One time I tried to pull off the Ariana Grande cat ears but I just looked like Barf from Spaceballs.
[at the sistine chapel]
me: *raising my hand at the back of the tour group* so where are chapels one through fifteen
tour guide: *angry italian noises*
Establish your dominance with the drive-thru attendant by saying, “That completes my order” before they ask.
“I want that fable on my desk, AESOP!”
My kids locked me out of the house when I was taking the trash bins to the curb.
Don’t threaten me with a good time. I won’t come back
I thought 50 shades of gray was just a makeup application guide for goth chicks
When you’re married, every kiss begins with, “Have you brushed your teeth yet?”
My husband pays me the highest compliments. Like “WOW! Look at you. You’re dressed.”
Horrifying if literal: foot locker
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
A coworker said “can you BE anymore annoying?”
So the next day I wore some tap shoes to work.
I’m starting yoga today and If my body isn’t perfect by noon, I’m quitting.
I may be 37, but I feel 25…when I look at my finances:
so my neighbor and i both had mouse sightings this week. here’s how our landlord responded:
Annoying coworker: “I just had a near death experience!”
Me: “Awww. Keep trying. You’ll get it next time, bud!”
[creation of snakes]
GOD: What happened here?
ANGEL: You said make them armless…
GOD: Harmless!
ANGEL: Ohhh
SNAKE: YOU IDIOTS!
Top Seven Things Men Don’t See Coming:
7. Plot twists
6. Police cruiser
5. Love
4. Trash day
3. Health issues
2. Her reaction
1. That