@Roxtalled: Opening a Twitter account is like opening a bag of money after you rob a bank. You're happy until shit explodes in your face.
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@sageboggs: "You're getting an MFA in English? Wasn't your Bachelor's useless enough for you?" -second degree burn
@KentWGraham: I accepted the Microsoft terms and conditions without reading them, and apparently I’m now responsible for hemming all of Bill Gates’ pants.
@TEXASVETERAN: My son asked me where babies come from. He so silly, babies are too young to come.
@twylaredsun: Sending a second cup of coffee down to check on the first one to see why it's not doing its job