[opening can of Russian Pringles]
once u pop u [inside can is a slightly smaller can]
huh [inside that can is an even smaller can]
wtf [in..
You Might Also Like
I’m a puzzle wrapped in an enigma hidden inside a set of Russian Nesting Dolls, so deep, so profound that – what? Yes, I’ll have fries.
Having kids has taught me that their ears are for decorative purposes only.
If every nitrogen atom turned into a horse we would all die
A coworker is being a jerk to me because I microwaved some seafood in the break room so to get back at them I’m going to microwave some seafood in the break room.
Me: In relationships, listening and communicating are key.
Husband: Did you check the counter? Maybe your purse? You’re always losing things.
Me: This is nice.
how much longer is mercury in the microwave i don’t know if i can handle it
I wish my car ran on shattered dreams instead of gas. I’d be able to make it to Canada on my failed ninja goals alone.
Damn boy, are you leftover pizza in the fridge? Because I’ve been thinking about you all night…
Me: Hi! I’m here to enter the eye rolling category.
International Olympic Committee: *collectively make a face*
Me: Yep. That’s the one.
A fun way to “Break up” is to tell them to “Go long” and then never throw them the football.
[job interview]
“Under skill it says nicknames?”
“You know it Sex Dragon.”
“Sex Dragon wants to know when you can start?”
There are two ice cream trucks on my street right now.
Okay, Feds.
I HATE when people use song lyrics as their status! It makes. me wanna SHOUT! Kick my heels back and SHOUT! Throw my arms up and SHOUT..Etc.
yesterday i took apart an egg timer because the ticking was too loud. i thought when I got it open and saw all the gears id know what to do. this was not the case
*brings cake to bed for an after sex treat*
Me: want a piece?
Her: wrong, whole.
I’m over here having to get my kids snacks and stressing about life yet my parents are just sitting in their house, retired.
*paints car camouflage*
*stops making payments*
“Picture yourself lying here, bound and totally at my mercy”.
“Oh my,” I reply to my cheeseburger.
*the night I met my spouse*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
*present day, as the kids binge YouTube*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
*drinks beer from my glass slipper*
Can I be wracked with something other than guilt. Like. Can I be wracked with spaghetti.
You can’t keep eating people’s lunches from the break room & blaming the Taliban. A lot of what you’ve been stealing is pork for one thing.
[Zoo, bird show]
“Millions of years of evolution have made these ancient raptors into graceful sky gods.”
*bird headbutts window 50 times*
Apple CEO Tim Cook has come out as gay. This totally explains why the new iPhone charger holes became tighter after Steve Jobs died.
[inventing allergies]
god: make them feel like shit
angel: from what
god: outside
Some music just moves you. For example this Taylor Swift song playing on the radio makes me wanna drive off a cliff
I seduce the ladies with my encyclopedic knowledge of dung beetle larvae.
[at a bar]
*sees hot chick check me out*
*writes note on napkin and asks bartender to give to her*
*she reads note*
“STOP STARING IT’S RUDE”
If the floor is lava, that couch isn’t gonna help you, kid.
wife [gives me piece of fruit] Try this
me: Tastes like hand sanitizer
wife: Did you just use hand sanitizer?
me: Yeah
wife
me
wife
me: Why?