[opening can of Russian Pringles]
once u pop u [inside can is a slightly smaller can]
huh [inside that can is an even smaller can]
wtf [in..
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nurse *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[5 minutes later]
me: *gives her the empty cup* i didn’t need this, there was a toilet
I admire my upstairs neighbours’ commitment to cleanliness as they fire up their diesel-powered vacuum to clean their hardwood floors at 11:43 pm
A smile every mile will get you further faster but if that doesn’t work, carjacking does.
There are two types of people: those who love terrible puns, and those who are no pun.
One day the mailman is going to murder my whole family and my dog will be like “Ha. Who needs to quit yapping and go lay down now?”
So excited for the Apple Watch. For centuries, we’ve checked the time by
looking at our phones. Having it on your wrist? Genius. #AppleLive
In honor of the longest night of the year I will also be cold, distant &filled with darkness.
we can cancel Times Square we’ve dropped the ball all year.
Probably just poor graphic design…
Still not gonna drink from it.
Friend: “You really shouldn’t let pets sleep in your bed.”
Me: “But I like cuddling!”
Friend: “I think your goldfish is dead now.”
If you’re worried that you added too much cheese to the recipe I am here to reassure you that you did not
I’ve always been such a “waiting for the other shoe to drop” type of girl.
I’ve decided I’m now going to be the “throw the shoe at your head and run first” kind of girl.
10 y/o made her own chores list and after doing the dishes, she said she couldn’t believe we do them every day so I patted her on the head and said, “wait until you hear about this thing called laundry.”
tfw you’re leaving the party but nobody notices
Me: Now I am become death. The destroyer of worlds.
Him: Stop talking to your burrito and just eat it.
My daughter told me I look like I’m in my 20s so I gave her 2 brownies for breakfast.
Very irritated daughter stomping all over the porch…
Me: What’s the problem?
Her: Dad asked me to bring him a Phillips screwdriver AND ALL WE HAVE ARE STANLEYS!!!!
I was wondering why so many houses on zillow had the same ugly carpeting. Reader, I clicked on the same house multiple times.
[son falls over & hurts himself]
ME: aww poor kid, he needs a little THC
WIFE: don’t you mean TLC?
ME: [huge bong rip] he needs what now?
How old were you when you learned Red Velvet is a type of chocolate cake…?
I was today years old.
I was raised to be humble which I excel at cause I excel at everything.
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
It’s reached a point where my local Krispy Kreme sends first responders to my house if I go more than two days without buying donuts.
Mom: Time to wake updog.
Son: *groggily* What’s updog?
Mom: Just waking you up for school, dog, what’s up wit u?
Dad (from hallway): OWNED
Every mega rich guy has been or is becoming super interested in ways to get off of the planet. Seems fine
Human: we have a color named after you!
Salmon: really? is it silvery blue like my outsides?
Human: no, uh–
Salmon: wait why is it pink?
Human: …
Salmon: WHY IS IT PINK
*turns on alarm*
Alarm: I have a headache
i hate it when my daughter is suddenly nice to me because I know it’s just a first calculated step in impending negotiations
Work in IT. Spend most days in server room doing “urgent security patches”. I have a gaming pc in there disguised as a server and I just play games all day. Have done this since 2017. I get praise from my boss for being so hot on security issues. On 50k a year + getting bonuses.
Playing catch with my 8yo, I missed a high throw and said “could’ve got that in my 30s.” He replied “oh yea when you get old you get shorter.”