[opening presents on the 5th day of christmas]
“I’m gonna be real with you Karen if there’s more birds in this box I’m leaving you”
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Biden: What if we paint the Mexican flag in the office
Obama: Joe, no
Biden: I already ordered the paint
Obama: Joe
I once watched a documentary on ferns because the remote was out of reach.
I got new neighbors today, I hope they like my music as much as the last 9 families did.
Plot Twist
Nigerian Prince won the Powerball jackpot and he’s emailing everyone now.
“This joke wasn’t funny until the end” okay so that’s called the punchline…….
Me: ” I’m gonna wrap my bear legs around your head”
Him: ” You mean bare?”
*Me looking at my untouched razor*
“Nope”
sperm bank employee: is he [ear to the wall] is he listening to the full house theme song
Me as hostess: tonight we’re having deconstructed tater tots, deconstructed subs, and deconstructed strawberry pie
*takes guests to the grocery store*
All of these jokes are gonna be a lot less funny when I die of laundry.
Whoever the first person was to throw shit in to a fan must have had a lot of explaining to do afterwards.
the collective noun for a group of reply guys is an audacity
I tried to take a nap but I have a dachshund and a chihuahua.
Instagram: “Look at my sushi!”
Vine: “Look at my sushi for six seconds!”
DAVID AYER: I wanna make a buddy cop movie
THEM: ok
DA: Will Smith is one of the cops
THEM: k
DA: The other cop is a shy, magical orc
THEM: no that’s crazy
EVERYONE AT NETFLIX: Hold my appletini
#BRIGHTMovie
I disagree with liquor store hours. It’s 8am..let me in.
my toxic trait is saying to myself “it’s only $20” 1500 times a week
[baking a cake]
Niece: *greasing pan* uncle Jeff, are all cakes made in pans?
Me: *pouring batter* as far as I know
Niece: so technically all cakes are pancakes and we can eat them for breakfast
Me:
Niece:
Me: you’re my favorite
somebody posted a photo of a cat on nextdoor asking who’s cat it was and so far six people have claimed him
Had the old “waterboarding your coworkers for making your coffee get cold is not punishment fitting the crime” talk with HR today.
Again.
When the company finally leaves and you can let one rip..
that.
What’s the rule for Twitter crushes? So far I’m in love with 800 women, 2 dudes, and a llama. Send condoms.
6: Dad, why do you have so many nicknames for me?
*I break down, no longer able to cover up that I can’t remember my son’s name
Finally, a month dedicated to nut allergy awareness.
A costumer just said to me that my daughter and I look like twins. And I was like, “Well, we were separated at birth.”
Just noticed there’s no comma in “Bed Bath & Beyond” and honestly, a bed bath would solve a lot of my problems.
CW: It’s 11:11 make a wish.
Me: I wish I could throw a clock at your face.
You know you’ve been on a diet too long when you start reading the ingredients on a bag of dog treats.
ME: I was born a tree…
ALSO ME: …but I’ll dialog.
Son: “Did you know alligators can grow up to 15 feet?”
Me: “Wow, I thought most only had 4.”