[opening presents on the 5th day of christmas]
“I’m gonna be real with you Karen if there’s more birds in this box I’m leaving you”
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A romcom where I go to stop you at the airport, except I go to Cinnabon & then forget why I’m at the airport.
purposely bought tall lace up boots so I’ll never have to be anywhere on time again
Please allow children to believe in Santa. You believe in essential oils and no one is ruining it for you.
You know that runny food on your plate that touches all the other food? That’s you, butting into a conversation.
You’re creamed corn.
What the world needs now is
a. love
b. sweet love
c. a category in IMDB that gives you a visual height comparison by actor for a given cast in a show
I often wondered what it’d be like to be married to an idiot.
I asked my wife and she said you get used to it after a while.
I sometimes wonder if anyone I dated said yes because they were hungry
I’m 38 and still have no idea what to do with my hands while I’m being arrested.
inventor of pita: i have created bread in the form of a pocket.
assistant: aha so you can easily fill it with food.
inventor of pita: oh. [chuckles] oh it won’t be easy.
How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up while I choke on a piece of popcorn*
Optometrist: better or worse
Me: oh worse, everything’s definitely worse
Thought I was having a good hair day. Mother Nature likes to keep my ego in check though.
She’s really good at that.
I stopped drinking water for a few days cause I was starting to think I was addicted. I just wanted to make sure I could pull back if I needed to.
cats are so dumb how do u only learn how to say one word ur entire life
Her: Oh, you brought me flowers!
Me: Yes, one of the many benefits of living next door to a graveyard…
all i did was tell my dad i’m anaemic 😭😭
John Lennon: Lucy in the sky with diamonds!
Friend: *sighing* that- that’s not how Clue works
Interviewer: Why should we hire you?
Me: Well, if you hire me, I will make all of your other employees look FANTASTIC by comparison.
Everyone’s family
Me: [has trouble opening up to people and making real, lasting connections my entire life]
My Kid: [makes 3 new friends and joins a gang on his first day of 4th grade]
Me: Opposite of Ladyfinger should be Mentos.
Grocery store clerk: *into walkie talkie* Security? He’s back!
Do you know who REALLY gets irony?
Skydiving schools.
Cuz you gotta drop out to graduate!
*releases mic to float down on tiny parachute*
Judge: How do you plead?
Me, trying to get on LegalZoom .com: sorry what’s the wifi password here?
[hell]
Satan: this is our library
Me: cool i love reading
Satan: we only have the twilight series
*Starts cutting the chicken of the person next to me at a dinner party out of habit*
My favorite deleted scene from Lord of the Rings is when Bilbo & Frodo discover they have a long lost hipster cousin called Douche Baggins.
They should do a mario kart but in real life, where fast cars race around a track and the person who finishes first is declared the winner.
I saw my dog eat yellow snow this weekend… and I’d still take her advice before yours.
Airbud being shut down by the oppositions new defender, the vacuum.