*Opening presents
1986: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
2016: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
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I met a pet turtle at the park and I asked the guy if he brings it there to play on the swings and slides, and he responds: “No ma’am, turtles don’t use swings and slides”, and I can’t believe he called me ma’am
Are we sure this new planet isn’t just Pluto wearing a wig?
I hope when I get old, my motorized wheelchair is fast enough the catch the ice cream truck.
I don’t hate kids, I hate sociopathic little assholes raised by yuppie cunts who feel saying “no” will stifle the child’s creativity…
How do German people not choke to death when they talk
Going to start punching people in the face who say fight me. Words mean things, Paul.
First rule of Crocs club is no women allowed.
Women: You didn’t need that rule.
“Children should eat a variety of colors in their diet!”
My children’s dinner:
Arriving at my funeral, you are woefully unprepared for the sight of my embalmed corpse doing full Van Damme splits between two coffins.
i aint a magician but i gotta couple twix up my sleeve
7: Dad what does this word mean
Me: Bring me a dictionary
*Smack up side the head
Me: Now go google that shit
Indiana Jones & The Wait What They’re Making Another One
Customer service stopped recording my calls for training purposes. There’s nothing to be learned from that much profanity.
My kids keep asking for a cat, so tonight we’re watching Pet Cemetery.
What does it mean when you’re on a date and he pushes you in front of a bus?
I left her for one minute to use the bathroom. One minute.
No, give me the blue mittens for shoveling. The red ones are for scandal.
As it may promote gay propaganda & non traditional sex, pictures from my workout this afternoon will not be published.
“Hang out with different people everyday so the only person who knows you’ve been wearing the same outfit all week is you” – my fashion blog
Me: I never lie.
Also me: Yes, i’ve read and agree with the privacy policy.
I just got the lawnmower out and just like magic my sons disappeared
Me: I’m a scorpion.
Date: You mean scorpio?
Me: (clicking my claws together) No I very do not.
I was going to fake my own death but I didn’t want to have to start a new Twitter account from scratch.
me: just tell me I don’t die in an Arby’s bathroom stall
Death: [sadly looking up from his book] look, what matters is how you lived
My son doesn’t always throw up, but when he does, he’s already in bed.
“Hey, wanna hangout?” “Later.” “Now?” “No, later” “How about now?” “Jesus christ.” -if Adobe Updater was your friend
Kid: Mom, the demon in my closet wants pizza or else it will kill us all
Me: The demon in your closet got pizza money?
Me: Mozart was a great composer, but now that he’s dead he’s a great
Wife: I swear to God I’ll divorce you
Me: *through tears* Decomposer.
Recycling bottles.
Pre Covid: These aren’t all mine, I had a party, honest
Covid: I didn’t have a party, I swear, I’m just an alcoholic
My 4yo is trying to sell my own M&M’s back to me. This guy’s going places.