I caught my son chewing on electrical cords.
So I had to ground him.
He’s doing better currently.
And conducting himself properly …
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I once ordered a BBQ bacon cheeseburger to go as I headed to work. I got to work and found that they forgot two critical ingredients:
The BBQ sauce and the bacon.How do you forget two items that are part of the title of the burger?
I love movies from the 70s because they’re like “it’s okay to be sweaty for no reason” which is important to me
[Shark Tank]
Me: [holding tiny top] It’s called Blouses For Mouses™CEO: The plural of mouse is mice.
M: Ok, Blice for Mice™ then whatever
remember
only for emergencies
With dog videos it’s just “I love you,” but with cat videos there’s betrayal, intrigue, deception, hubris, conspiracy, infamy and occasionally “I love you.”
I asked my son how his first full day went and he described in detail a bug he saw at recess and revealed no further information
Cop: I pulled you over because your driving has been erratic
Me: oh, I think the guy in my trunk was trying to communicate with me via Morse code
Cop: what
Me: what
First of all the thin slices you eat to straighten up the cake don’t count
Family trip to a bookstore, and I see 10 pointing to a book and grinning.
Living Successfully with Screwed-Up People.
Me: Wise guy, I think I do this.
10: Successfully?
I marked today on my calendar as “new client consultations” which was code for me having a day off because who wants a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving?!
Five. It appears 5 people want a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving.
“Billie Jean” is probably my favorite song about someone named Billie Jean
Teach your teenager a valuable life lesson; show them how to grow their own car, just like their ancestors did.
Science: caffeine can cause sleep issues.
Me who drinks a ton of coffee: if only there was something I could do to improve my sleep.
I spray Lysol on Tide Pods before I eat them. Double protection!
“Go Paperless!” they tell you on a full extra sheet of paper.
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
reporter: an asteroid is predicted to hit earth this week
me: *vacuums a little faster*
Inflation is out of control. Bought a picture today for 1400 words.
Who wants to listen to me eat an apple over the phone? No weirdos
Using gorilla glue on my next relationship
[firing squad]
Captain: Any last words?
Prisoner: Why, yes. I’d like to speak with you for a moment about gun control.
If children knew how much their parents were winging it, the whole system would topple.
Finally, you get a cab. The driver is a golden retriever. You hop in and hope for the best
me: i was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: ur not even a suspect
me: i just wanted u to know
“What a nice doggie.”
“I’ll have you know it’s not a doggie but a pure bred.”
“YOU HAVE A DOG MADE OUT OF BREAD??!!!!”
New parent: My child is having a hard time with teething. Any advice?
Veteran parent: Take some whiskey, drink a bunch of it.
Being an adult is cool because sometimes your back hurts and other times a different part of your back hurts
Him: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because I constantly use my toes as fingers?
Him: yes
Me: *wipes a tear off of his face with my big toe* Okay
roman lesbians: *caesaring*
Allow me to play for you the song of my people
*Sound of chip bag opening*