[opening the fridge to find no yummy snacks inside]
[me to the fridge] you had one job
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Had another account randomly tweet me to tell me that my avi creeps them out.
Thanks. It’s my face. lol
I Wasn’t Paying Attention to the Zoom Until I Heard My Name Called: A Memoir
Quick new parent question at what age do you let your new baby start sleeping indoors?
🎵 You make me feel like I’ve been locked out of heaven 🎵
Jesus: “We talked about this, Lucifer.”
China are probably making all the medals anyway.
Well I’m not really sure why you put “Baby: Ages 0-6” on your resume, but more importantly, why were you a baby for so long
Whenever someone knocks on the door of a bathroom I’m in, I like to yell back at them to come back with a warrant.
Dear bill collectors, if you want me to answer the phone, instead of “no caller ID” try something like “free shoes”
Accidentally pronounced wifi as “wifey” and the hotel concierge said the password’s helping out around the house and being a good listener.
A guy that lurks in front of a girl’s window every night then gives her “magical” powder to make her fly high.
~ Peter Pan
Well, we made it 9 years, but it finally happened. Every parents’ nightmare. In the middle of the night our daughter caught us in the act, right there on the couch. Eating ice cream.
Mario: can I buy you a drink?
Peach: ew get a life
Mario: *eats mushroom* …now?
Going commando is the closest I’ll ever get to joining the army.
When a Star Trek baddie suffers cardiac arrest, and you have defibrillator paddles right there, what do you do? Shock a Khan. Shock a Khan.
I dreamt there was a program called “tigers in tiaras” and you know what?
I’d watch that
Why does everyone despise us lazy people so much? We didn’t do anything.
Someone just asked my son what other type of fish do you like then?
He replied….chicken.
Thank god he is good looking.
[Invention of the airplane]
Wilbur: We’re ready
Orville: I’m still skeptical about this working
Wilbur: Hey, do you want to fight the moon or not?
Orville: *angrily making a fist* Let’s go
I always try to tell myself that I don’t actually hate people as much as I say I do…and then I go to the mall.
When I’d go to church as a kid I’d always wonder why there were so many seats reserved for Usher
me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed
GF: it’s ok lol
[middle of the night]
me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana
Heard someone on TV talking about a “decades old” song and my mind immediately went to the 1970s.
2001. The song they were talking about was from 2001.
“You can do better than that.”
– people who don’t know me all that well
In high school I only played the trombone so I could hit people and make it look like an accident.
[confession booth]
ME: I committed all 7 deadly sins in 30 minutes
PRIEST: wow I gotta hear this
ME: I was angry and envious of my neighbor so I lazily seduced his wife and ate all his groceries and didn’t share
PRIEST: you forgot pride
ME: no, I’m pretty proud of this
she’s already got guys telling her she’s beautiful. be different. send her a cheese board.
If she ever says: What did you just say!? I recommend an immediate heart attack and let the paramedics carry you out of the room.
I forced her to tell me what I was to her
Apparently, I’m the 5th in line of guys she talks to when she’s bored
Move over, pizza rat. 🍕 A Philadelphia woman found a groundhog outside of her home munching on a piece of pizza for over an hour, completely unfazed by her two dogs.
There should be an app in which you enter how many rolls of toilet paper you have left and it calculates how much food you can eat.