[opening the fridge to find no yummy snacks inside]
[me to the fridge] you had one job
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I’ve been chasing a fly around my apartment for like 20 mins with a rolled up magazine. There’s a really good article I think he should see
this morning at 7-eleven i saw a lizard next to the coffee maker and the cashier said “no worries that’s just marvin, he likes the smell”
I have a ghost cat. My Litter Robot just told me it detected a 5.9 pound cat. I don鈥檛 have a 5.9 pound cat or one close to that weight.
[emailing eHarmony match]
Her: describe yourself
Me: brown hair, kinda stalky
Her: lol you mean stocky
Me [through her bedroom window]: No
Short skirts have a tendency to make men polite. Have you ever seen a man get on a bus ahead of one?
Genie: So let me get this straight, your first wish was for your cat to talk?
Me: yes.
Genie: and then your second wish was he couldn’t talk anymore?
Me: He was mean to me.
Genie: And now your third wish is he can talk again?
Me: I just thought of a great come back!
Doctor: and you鈥檙e exercising regularly?
Me: actually when I do it, it鈥檚 pretty weirdly
[honeymoon in paris]
her: look there’s the eiffel towerme: *eyes narrowing* I thought you said you’d never been here before
self awareness is such a two edged sword omg?? like yay i know myself better!! but at what cost.
I wish Costco offered samples at the liquor and electronics department
Did a little math tonight. Need to do 3,527 hours of cardio to get down to my ideal weight by summer, and not consume any calories.
Brain: Follow your heart
Heart: Go with your gut
Gut: Pick the grilled cheese
I鈥檓 drinking espresso until I find how many it takes to vibrate my molecules fast enough that I can pass through walls. So far it鈥檚 not seventeen and I鈥檓 running out of Band-Aids
What idiot called it a scarf and not a necromancer??
If you can diet in October around all the Halloween candy-you’re either dying or practicing witchcraft.
If I ever get burned at the stake, I鈥檓 filling my pockets with popcorn kernels to make a nice snack for the audience.
the things my dad sends my mom 馃槶馃槀
It took three nurses to pull me off of that doctor after he told me I need to give up potatoes.
“Good luck tomorrow.”
* Me confusing a random stranger *
I’m perfectly fine with kissing frogs to find a prince…But I draw the line at kissing snakes.
“I’m more night hamster than owl,” I say, pushing another wad of food into my cheek pouch at 2:00am.
The local casino is hosting a speed dating event.
Just what every woman needs, a new boyfriend with a gambling problem.
HER: how was your day?
ME: you know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
HER: it was that bad??
ME: oh no, it’s just a cool scene鈥y day was decent
I鈥檝e never really had a beach body, but my snowman body is coming along quite nicely.
My kid just yanked out a loose tooth and set it next to the flowers he got me, and is that…is that part of the gift
My friend says her Dr told her she鈥檚 underweight but I stopped listening because I cannot relate at all.
“Damn girl are you?” -Existentialist pick-up line
Why are personal grooming products such popular holiday gifts? How gross is everyone the rest of the time?
This cashier just held my five dollar bill up to the light in case you’re wondering how I do with first impressions.