[Opens a beer at the park]
“Dude. There’s kids here.”
Oh shit how rude of me. [turns] IF YOU KIDS WANT SOME BEERS THEYRE IN THE COOLER
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Puts all the toys my kids forgot they had in their Easter basket
Is it “butt-naked” or “buck-naked?” I want this pool party invite to be perfect.
I’d be more inclined to grow up if I saw that it worked out for everyone else
80’s rap was like being in 5th grade and trying to find words that rhymed with “hat.”
on earth: a magiciam puts his hand in his hat
in the rabbit realm: The Hand emerges. it is time. the rabit council must chose a sacrifice
My coffee maker isn’t working and I can’t help but think that I could come up with a solution if I only had some coffee
“do you know why I pulled one over on you?”
becau- wait what?
“I’m not a real cop lol”
haha nice!
*pulls gun* “I am taking your car though”
I wear a cape when I’m driving so if I get pulled over the cop will think I’m going somewhere to fight crime.
Me: Wanna go for a wa—
Dog: [has already brought me leash, phone, travel water bowl, passport]
I’ve got a neighbor who’s really into morons. I should introduce her to you guys.
Quick! Does anyone know how I can get red wine off of my date’s white cat?!
i just want a guy i can call papi (not in the grandpa way)
Friend: You sent her off to her first day of Kindergarten! Did you cry?
Me: Of course I cried. I’ve been waiting to feel this kind of freedom for five and a half years.
My 3-yr-old just found a moldy hot dog in the sofa cushions and ate it.
I know I should be horrified, but I’m actually relieved because now I don’t have to make her supper.
what is your most benign unpopular opinion? i don’t mean like “the earth is flat” type of unpopular opinion, i mean like “I think golden retrievers are annoying” unpopular opinion
“Where is your god now?” I like to shout at children with paper cuts.
Me: there’s no “u” in team
Canadian: we’ll see about that bud
I can’t see my boyfriend during this lockdown and I’m really unhappy about it!
My husband says he doesn’t care. Rude!
cat owners be like don’t worry he only scratches if you pet him or feed him or call him or touch him or make noise or walk past him or
I’m “by the time I find a gif, the conversation topic has changed” awkward in dm groups.
[eating a foot long sub]
*spits out tiny periscope*
Nothing quite as humiliating as somebody slow-rolling past your garage sale and not stopping, like “I’m not above buying another person’s junk but just not yours.”
the most important thing i learned from kermit the frog is that you can have a pretty good life without ever putting on pants
Ok so all of our kids get excuse notes for school tomorrow whether in person or online right?
“I’m sorry I’m late, my parents were drinking stuff and yelling at the TV all night”
i’m angry no one’s ever pranked me by having 10 pizzas delivered that i didn’t order
[MasterChef]
GORDON RAMSAY: Describe the dish
ME: *proudly* Ceramic, chef.
Autocorrect turned your lynch mob into a lunch mob? Maybe if you ate something you wouldn’t be so angry.
Me: i am not being ratatouilled by a mcnugget
The McNugget Rattatoulleing Me: PUT UR HAND IN THE DEEP FRIER
[GOD CREATING BEES]
G: Super important
A: k
G: And their spit tastes delicious.
A….k
G: But they’re so *clenches fists* angry
[me and some other dude wearing the same shirt at a party]
me: “how did we both fit in this lmao”