I received my 5yo’s report card today. His teachers are impressed with his leadership skills and want him to be the class tidy up captain because he’s so helpful! I’m really proud but also wondering if they’re talking about the right kid.
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LIAM NEESON: [writing grocery list]
bread
milk
cheese
eggs
vengeance
[he stops writing, frowns]
v̶e̶n̶g̶e̶a̶n̶c̶e̶
grapes
Waiting in the coffee drive-thru line impatiently watching the driver in front of me chatting with the barista and my 12 y/o sighs and says, “C’mon, lady, she’s not your therapist, move along.” Never get between a middle school girl and her Frappuccino.
[at the running of the bulls]
ME: imma try to pet ’em
He works with his crew: Woody Flores, John C. Ling, Raisa Roofe, and their boss, Bill DeHaus.
I need a treadmill with a reward system.
Run 10k, here’s a pizza.
Lovely walk round Fitzrovia led me to a kindred spirit.
Me: one taco without strawberries
Taco Bell guy: strawberries?
Me: no thank you
Just used the phrase “my good coat hanger”, if you’re wondering if I have a Swiss Bank Account.
Wouldn’t it have made more sense if Al Gore claimed he invented the Algorithm?
lying here thinking of the time i was about to compliment a lady at the gas pumps on her shiny black scarf and then i realized she worked there and just had new trash bags hanging around her neck as she took out the full ones
What religious people say: “I have you in my prayers.”
What non-religious people hear: “I’m trying to raise Aquaman on this cat radio.”
[blind date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a customer service representative.
Me: Cool. Our date is important to me. Please hold. I’ll be back in an hour.
Home Alone would’ve been over in like 20 minutes if they were able to text.
My parents bought us candy cigarettes for my 11th birthday party. The store was out of candy syringes.
Acquaintances: “So what have you been up to?”
What I hear: “Please explain yourself, we’re trying to figure you out.”
Im tired of being politically correct. If I want to wish someone a Happy Honda Days, I’m gonna do it. I don’t care what they drive, that’s their problem
Nothing takes longer than the Amazon truck, that is 4 stops away
Hell is having a married couple tell you a story at the same time.
im not former gifted student. i am still gifted. put me in a fourth grade class i’ll annihilate them all like i did the first time
I like people who can tell you exactly which live music gig caused their early onset hearing loss.
The best thing about sitting next to the white guy with dreads on the bus is no one thinks you’re the one that farted
I hate how websites force you to prove you’re not a robot by making you solve some puzzle only a robot could solve.
Honestly, my biggest fear about becoming a zombie is all the socializing.
*Ghost Jail
Ghost 1: What’re you in for?
Ghost 2: Posession
Ghost 1: Nice
Im not trying to brag or anything, but I just got invited to play Candy Crush on FB
Nothing scares me more than when my husband answers me and I’m left wondering just how much he’s actually been listening.
[food naming committee]
… Ok. Cow?
– Beef
Ground up?
– Burger
Great. Pig?
– Pork
Baked & sliced?
– Ham
Super! Deer?
– Venison
Fish?
– Fish
Friend: Don’t come on too strong is my dating tip.
[At the restaurant]
Her: Can you pass the salt, please?
Me: Sorry, it’s too heavy.
Kale is made of old hotel shower curtains.
Change my mind.
My wife got this cool remote start thing that starts the car when cold, turns up the heat, fills it with gas
It’s me, I’m the remote start.