*Opens a Volkswagen restoration shop called “The Old Volks Home”*
You Might Also Like
I don’t talk about my ex’s because I like to start of with a clean slate. That, and they’re dead to me. Well, to everyone, but mostly me.
my mom gave me a whistle in case you guys start giving me advice
if by “picking up hotties at the club” you mean going to costco for rotisserie chicken then yeah i am
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance.” -Alcohol
My neighbor upstairs bought a new treadmill and I accidentally just shot five holes in my ceiling.
Starting to consider a run for political office. Not because I want to do anything, but I’m curious what sort of shit they dig up on me. Would be nice for someone to piece together my 20s.
ME: I propose teaching pandas to play pattycake bec-
ZOOKEEPER: How do you keep getting in here?
ZOO OFFICIAL: Wait. Let’s hear him out.
Reports are indicating that Ivanka Trump may take on some roles of the First Lady. Still no word on who will handle the duties of President.
GOD: u get powers for one day and this is what u do?
[every animal now has a startle reaction like a pufferfish]
[an obese tiger rolls by]
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: “Mphh mophh wampph.”
T: Again, this works better if you don’t lie face down on the couch.
When your kid asks you where the other parent is, they’re really saying that they’d like to speak with the manager.
Judge: You ran over him
Me: It was an accident
Judge: Then you backed up over him
Me: To see if he was ok
Hey, do you guys remember when people kept those little wax paper cups in the bathroom so that when you were thirsty you could have a little toilet water?
If you know, you know 😂🚔
Twitter announced today that they’ve lost 134 million dollars this year. I don’t know if they want us to look for it or what the deal is.
you’re so tired of people trying to sell you courses that you buy a course to teach you how to reject people selling courses
My neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the crazy naked lady and I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
Then my wife left me, I became an alcoholic and started making meth in my basement but anyway take one candy bar each kids. Happy Halloween.
[after a date getting dropped off at my gingerbread house]
me: I’d invite you upstairs but I recently ate my furniture
[ first date ]
me: i’d like to see you again
chameleon: oh sorry
me: there you are
there’s a pig in my mom’s neighborhood who escapes her home to roam the neighborhood every couple days and someone will hit their community fb page like “penelope is over here eating my tomatoes” and the owner will be like “god dammit i’ll be right there”
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
Interviewer: And your references?
Me: 90’s television mostly.
news to me: apparently, the house of pies in los feliz has a new british owner.
Me *naked, singing into a shower head*
Karaoke manager: uh, we have a mic
*Walks into brothel*
One chicken soup to go please
Greek yogurt should have Greek names.
“What flavor you got?”
“Strawberry-Banananopoulos”
Creepy guy at gas station: you got boyfriend?
Me: um yes. I’m married.
CG: *shrugs* your loss.
Me:
CG:
There are two wolves inside of me and one of them could really use a mint.