*Opens a window and the wind blows 42 corndogs from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
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Jesus: One among you will betray me.
John: No way dude.
Matthew: No way dude.
Judas: *thumbing through designer cross catalogue* Plausible.
I kid you not.
-Condom wearers
Spoiler alert: Sometimes accountants are boring on purpose because we think it’s funny when we see people’s eyes glaze over.
Me (getting choked): who called it getting new tires
Guy (who is choking me): how are you breathing
Me (dying): and not a retirement plan
Friend: Take my advice, girls love guys with pets
*later*
Me:*holding a snake to date’s face* his name -stop screaming- his name is Carl.
13: Can I have the password for Amazon?
Me: Certainly, honey. Ready?
13: Yep
Me: I-N-Y-O-U-R-D-R-E-A-M-S
They want us to stay current with our training, yet the training videos show people using BlackBerries.
Me, Playing Twister
10: I win again!
20: Let’s play naked!
35: The dots seem farther apart.
45: I need to go to the ER.
With less than 1 day to go..
Mummy, I want everything that is art in the whole world for Christmas. Ok?
There is no favoritism shown with our pets. The dog gets new toys and the cat gets the box they were shipped in.
My 5yo is insisting weasels aren’t real and that I’m the one who told him that, and I did not know I was going to have defend myself like this before coffee
Mysteries of #Gravity: Why Bullock’s hair, in otherwise convincing zero-G scenes, did not float freely on her head.
Biden: I told him that we call in attacks on countries by blocking them on Twitter.
O: Joe…
Biden: Trust me.
Picture the perfect woman.
Wrong.
You’re a guy. You’re always wrong.
Hubs: Why can’t we use the good china?
Me: Because that’s for if the Queen comes to visit
Hubs: um…
Me: oh bugger!
We cut open the cake at the gender reveal party and out spill thousands of fire ants. The guests howl. FIRE ANTS ARE MOSTLY MALE, I explain
If dogs have taught me anything, it’s that barking is a GREAT way to get rid of people you don’t want to speak to. Works for me EVERY TIME.
I enjoy a good breeze. It’s worth the risk that a bug may be blown into your eye.
Where do you weigh a pie?
Somewhere over the rainbow … weigh a pie…
Jesus: Listen guys, why has someone written ‘nail appointment’ in my diary?
Judas: No idea, J. No idea.
Last week my son asked me why we don’t just call them ‘water hydrants’ and I still don’t have an answer for him.
Me: I’m not going to eat any pizza.
Me: I’m not going to eat more than 3 slices of pizza.
Me: I’m no longer going to place any limitations on myself.
It took me 13 years but I finally deleted most of my e-mails.
How wrong was this guy?
Friend: There are plenty of fish in the sea
Fish in the sea:
Him: Send me a shower pic
Me:
realizing i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
Ground control: he says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: what’s he done this time?
In Hell, you enter email addresses & passwords using video game controllers for ever.
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.