*opens Advil*
*takes Advil*
*closes Advil*
*looks at husband*
“Sorry, where are my manners? You want some?”
You Might Also Like
If you’re cremated, you can’t roll over in your grave. Do you swirl in your urn? What do you do? What. Do. You. Do?
wife: I found a hypnotist who can fix our oldest sons disobedience & dandruff
me: [nodding] a good heir conditioner
insane our parents had to make multiple bad decisions to go bankrupt, we just have to get in an ambulance one time
“When life gives you people, mass murder them.” — An Angry Lemon.
You ever been talking to someone and go to lean on a wall that’s like 3 inches further away than you thought
[1st date]
HER: I like a guy with good Southern values
ME: [trying to impress her] I was raised by penguins
[in hell journal day 211]
I’ve asked if it was hot in here 932 times in 211 days. the dark lord is angry but he has nowhere else to send me
Growing up, a lot of people had crushes on Jennifer Aniston. I just liked her as a friend.
Hundreds of years ago, a group of fat women secretly met under the cover of darkness. That night, they invented the word “voluptuous.”
Don’t compare yourself to other people but if you must, compare yourself to someone objectively worse.
me: 867-5309… and this is your REAL phone number?
her: yeah, sure
My camera roll is 25% my kids and 75% things I couldn’t read and had to make bigger.
90% of parenting a little girl is chasing her around the house with a hair brush and a ponytail holder.
TERMINATOR: I need your clothes, your boots, and your motorcycle
ME: *gliding past on heelys* Do you need anything from me?
McDonalds CEO: your job is to entertain the children. what is your job?
Ronald McDonald: e-eat them?
McDonalds CEO: goddammit. shock him again
look at this pretty bar i went to last night! also look at the first photo i took, featuring my panic as i realized the flash was on
*knocks on bathroom stall wall*
Forgive me father, for I have sinned.
“Huh? What?”
It’s been 3 days since my last-
[sound of diarrhea]
I can tell these edibles have finally kicked in by the way I’m caressing my burrito and whispering “Ay Papi” Into what I’m pretty sure is its ear.
mobster: are you wearing a wire?
me: *speaking directly into the potted plant I’m carrying* no, of course not
Bakery worker: Can I get you something?
Me: [staring at case full of pies] No thanks, I’m just window eating.
I jumped out of bed at 6am trying to catch the ice cream truck because I heard the music in a dream… so now I’m awake and I have no ice cream, this is bullshit
My favorite part about Black Friday is the part where I go to the mall, find a great parking spot & sit in my car with the reverse lights on
My 5yo is insisting weasels aren’t real and that I’m the one who told him that, and I did not know I was going to have defend myself like this before coffee
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
15: I’m starving! There’s nothing to eat. What are you having for lunch?
Me: grapes
15: Nice! We have grapes?!
Me: *sips wine* nope
I named my two kids Madness and Sparta, and boy do I love introducing them to people
Top 5 things to ditch in 2017
5. Debt
4. People you don’t like
3. Facebook
2. Drama
1. The bodies
Them: you should buy crypto
Me:
Them: ok sell it now
Me:
Them: nvm buy it back
Me:
Them: OMG SELL IT
Me: [pulls AirPods out] what
I want to do the #nakedchallenge to see my boyfriend’s reaction, I just need a tiktok account and a boyfriend
So this dude was installing adhesive for the carpet to go on and….he didn’t plan this very well. Lol