*opens assassination store*
*makes a killing*
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“He is woke.” – Millenial Easter
I hate it when I’m trying to take a selfie and somebody calls my camera.
If I hold my phone upside down it looks like you have replied to my text and I’m ignoring you.
Have you been working out? You look amazing! You should be a supermodel. I ran over your dog.
I’m sorry if I always sound angry when I speak, but I’m a parent and I suffer from a condition called Resting Batman Voice.
[in the garden]
Me: Go grab the hose
Son: Okay[15 min later]
Son: *walks up with our neighbors*
Karen: Your son said that you needed Diane and I?
movies gotta warn me if they’re a part 1, before i’m in the theater. I just got jump scared by “to be continued” screens twice in one week (Fast X and Spiderverse).
i’m a 37 year old man and and i need emotional closure in my movies, i don’t have time to be cliffhanged
Kid: WAAAHH! MY TOY IS BROKEN!!
Dad: Nothing a little duct tape won’t fix…
Kid: mfflr..frrrr..strnnn
As the pair of scissors steps up to the starting line, the other runners quickly realize that this race just got a whole lot more dangerous.
“Honey, don’t try to feed ice cream to the Christmas tree,” is a thing I literally just said.
Looking for someone to come help pack 17’s boxes for college. Must be able to handle crying. Bring tissues. No weirdos, please. I’m weird enough.
They irony of being hit by a Dodge.
Angel: So you ended your beef with the humans?
God: Yup. It’s all water over the bridge now.
Angel: You mean “under the bridge” right?
God:
Angel:
God: Get Noah on the line.
So a baby crawls across the floor to it’s bottle and it’s cute but when I do it Im in need of an intervention?
Girl, are you Excel? Because I claim to know you but I’m probably oblivious to 98% of what you’re able to accomplish
So many people say “if my memory serves me correctly” and I’m actually quite shocked at the amount of servants named Memory…….
Wife – “I’m leaving you…”
Me – “noooooo…”
Wife – “…a hotdog in my will”
Me – “…oooyeeahhhhhh”
“HELP WITH CAT”
We’re playing Mario party and the boys keeps intentionally referring to Luigi as Louis and it’s making me irrationally angry.
I could totally identify with REM if the song had been called “Losing my Shit” instead
OMG, GODZILLA IS COMING TO ATTACK NEW ENGLAND AND WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE-oh, he said huge blizzard, not lizard… Carry on then.
Whoever named rice cakes is probably also responsible for Paris, Texas
There are two rules in life:
1. Never tell anyone everything.
I think it would be totes adorbz if I throat punched you the next time you say ‘totes adorbz’
Cop: *searching my car*
“WHERE IS IT?
I KNOW IT’S HERE!”Me: *trying to swallow a Nickelback cd*
“IT’S NOT MINE, I SWEAR!”
Not doing anything with my life is surprisingly time consuming
Batman v Dracula
I’ve started an all male cow gang.
Because in life, anything is posse bull !!
I swear my husband thinks 90% of what I do as a stay home mom is walk around the house & hide his stuff
*hides some stuff
It’s maybe 35%
These fireworks are awesome! High four!