The only way anyone should die is “mysteriously.” It just makes for better stories. “He lived a long, full life and died peacefully in his sleep.” Lame. Boring. A waste. “He lived a long, full life and disappeared in Panama, leaving enigmatic clues.” Excellent. Superb. No notes.
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The Blob: Bakery Beginning!
me, as a zookeeper: i’m late for my sister’s wedding and i have a stain on my tux
penguin: [makes whatever noise a penguin makes]
me: no braden, thanks for the offer but we’re not the same size
Dressing up for Halloween is just a way of saying “I want to be uncomfortable for an entire evening in the hopes of answering the same question a hundred times.”
“Password is incorrect”
*resets password*
“New password cannot be the same as the old password”
The most important thing I learned from working at the bank is which lollipop flavor tastes the best.
My attending asked me if I had ADHD but I heard PhD… and i shouted out “no i have a bachelor of science” 😅
4th year is going well.
*seductively slides hand along store shelf to distract you*
*grabs last bag of Cheetos*
*tucks, rolls, and runs away*
Oysters are an aphrodisiac because they figure if you swallow that, you’ll swallow anything
I saw a diaper ad that said 25-30lbs but I honestly don’t think my kid can poop that much
I told my kids we get visited by the Easter Chicken because bunnies don’t lay eggs.
“Now you sound ridiculous,” said 8.
“I’m totally against the selfie-stick but every now and then an exception comes along.”
Credit: AndrewBloch
instagram always coming through for me with ads for things i want, and can afford, and can convert into a device for time travel
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
#winning
[Interview]
“Describe yourself in one word.”
Me: Lethargic.
You know you’re getting old when you scroll down the birthday drop down menu … And it starts going into Roman Numerals.
*pushes you to the couch and latches on*
I’m a koala, and you’re my eucalyptus tree.
*pretends to eat your hair*
I’ve been training my family to be future Survivor contestants. If you can find food in my house, you can make it anywhere.
All the single ladies. All the single ladies. All the single ladies. Now put your hands up! Lol. But seriously, ladies. This is a robbery.
her: HELP ME! I’m bleeding out!
me: Not on my watch you aren’t!
her: Oh, my hero! Thank you!
me [tucking watch in pocket] Huh?
“Wow you’re one of the nicest old ladies I’ve ever met!”- me, loudly to a random old lady so my mom can hear
The guy who invented doors must have been a big hero to the thousands of people standing around outside their homes.
Trying to not lose my SHIT as someone in the office kitchen continues to call Thomas the Tank Engine “Thomas the Train”
i love diet soda i don’t care if it gave rats tumours i’m way bigger and stronger than a rat
You can’t judge a book by its cover! That only works with people.
What if I’ve been finding a new single sock in the dryer and not losing one, all along?
ME: and what are we going to do next time?
7YR OLD: you’re going to let me know in advance before you shave your beard
M: and for you?
7: I’m not going to scream “STRANGER! DANGER!” or call 911
“are you ok?” no i took the cereal bag out of the box and now it won’t fit back in
Me: The house is clean!
Kid: Hold my juice box!
I didn’t survive various alcohol poisoning events in the 90’s just to get taken out by a virus