It’s illegal to play pop music on a hot air balloon.
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He’s cranky this morning
It’s always cool to swallow your pride unless you’re a lion.
Lol
Interviewer: It says in your CV that you are quick at maths. What is 23 x 39?
Me: 69.
Interviewer: That’s not even close.
Me: No, but it was quick, isn’t it?
Don’t be part of the problem, be the whole problem
[god creatig god]
GOD: make him omnipotent & onmipresent
ANGEL: ok…
GOD: and also provide no evidence he exists
ANGEL: ru sure
GOD: trust me
[first date]
him: what’s the one word that best describes you?
me: I’m acerbic
him: I’ve never met anyone from Acerbia
me: no it means I have a sharp tongue
him: I bet that comes in handy when you’re chewing your food
remember
only for emergencies
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 726
He died doing what he loved, forgetting to put my potato wedges in the bag.
I thought my 1-year-old had hints of red in her hair like me. Turned out she had dried-up sweet potato in her hair…also like me.
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
The struggle when hungry me has to eat the lunch that healthy me packed
I’ll always remember what my dad told me right before he died: “of course you’re supposed to use that much lighter fluid idiot.”
Siri, fight Alexa.
My drunk neighbour just stumbled into a car, fell and then apologized to the car.
-Only in Canada
My dream job is a pharmacy cashier & yelling for a price check every time someone checks out anal ointment, condoms, & men buying maxi pads.
You want me to fill my glass with ice? The thing that sunk the Titanic?
My wife: Tell me your wildest fantasy.
Me: Clamping my dentist’s tongue with forceps and shining a bright light in his eyes while I ask him about his ski vacation.
If the good lord did not intend for me to eat this entire bag of chili cheese fritos then he wouldn’t have made them so delicious
Amen
INTERVIEWER: u put “vodka” as a reference
ME: oh I thought it said preference
Me: gets up, wakes kids, empties dishwasher, makes lunches, helps make kid beds, does kids’ hair, makes breakfast for everyone, showers, makes coffee, does laundry
Hubs:
[making the first boat]
“How do we get across this river?”
ME: we gotta build a boat
“What’s a boat?”
ME: that’s what we gotta figure out
[knocking at the door]
VOICE OUTSIDE: Open up this is the fashion police!
ME: [furiously flushing bandanas down the toilet] JUST A SECOND
Me: I hope you don’t mind if I nibble during sex.
Her: Not at all!
Me: Great!
*Pulls out grilled cheese sandwich*
North Korea is officially named the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea. That’s like naming a prison The Fun Time Slumber Party Facility.
religion? um, ha, no. i’m not really into the idea of letting a set of ancient rules dictate my life. plus, pisces aren’t usually religious
Saw a video for vegan cauliflower icecream on fb and heard the four horsemen of the apocalypse thunder overhead.
Windows 10 has an extremely unhelpful error message
I left this letter from ‘Management’ on the doors of an apartment complex
My crazy neighbor claims she was robbed last night. I know she is crazy because I found all her medication as I was breaking into her house.