[opens car door for wife]
WIFE: Please stop doing that on the freeway
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I’m single in quarantine and just found a box of googly eyes. I’m going to place them on objects around the house because I miss social anxiety.
I’m eating this banana sideways so my husband doesn’t get the wrong idea.
I just bought an answering machine! What should I ask it???
Hell hath no fury like this woman attempting to type “scorned” and having it autocorrected to “scrotum” 13 times in a row.
There’s a fine line between flirty and creepy. And that line is called being good looking.
I’m such a great mom. I taught my kids archaeology during quarantine.
I mean, they dug up an opossum skull while they were digging a trench in the backyard unsupervised.
Archaeology.
My kid is mad that his little brother asked for a sip then drank all his water and I never knew justice could taste so sweet
gas pump: see attendant
me: looks like i no longer need gas
ok so i’m watching gladiator and the romans are white people with british accents. ok hollywood. alright.
Karate isn’t always the solution but when it is, it’s the ONLY solution
your body is a ghost factory that takes one lifetime to produce a ghost
My favorite thing on Twitter is when two astrologers fight about who’s right.
To the person crowding me in the checkout line, do you want a hug .. ’cause if you get any closer, I’m gonna assume you do and give you one.
Everyone is awful in their own special way.
Them: What’s the hardest thing you’ve ever had to say to someone?
Me: Probably… Saskatchewan
Them: …
Me: or Worcestershire
Before posting each tweet, I ask myself: Does it bring me joy? Will it bring joy to others? I never wait for the answer.
Covid has me stifling a cough in public like I’m trying to hide a bite wound in a zombie movie.
Him: I got that dog in me
Me: are you a good boi? who’s a good boi?
Canned, not stirred.
[lights pickle]
why does this building look like a guilty dog
fish genie: wait, did i just grant you three wishes
me: *rich, handsome, and enjoying world peace* errm, no
Boss: And you’re not showing the new people around until you stop referring to the washroom as “where the magic happens”
The average parent spends roughly 2.7 years of their life picking up crayons from under restaurant tables.
You wouldn’t know her, she goes to a different pandemic.
Sure sex is great, but have you said that perfect comeback at the exact best time instead of thinking about it two weeks later in the shower?
Barkeep. Send a drink over to little ms. thang over there. Tell her it’s from me
Sir, that’s a Ms. Pac-Man machine
*raises glass, winks*
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight,
Begging for my cat’s attention
Once in college this guy was like ‘is it ok to do laundry if you don’t have enough for a full load?’ So I showed him the ‘small’ setting on the washer and he started it up, added soap and then a single pair of socks
Watched The Little Mermaid with my girl last night & realized that Aerial could be on an episode of Hoarders. : /