I am 30 minutes into home schooling my 6 year old. I suggest that all school teachers are paid £1m per year from now on.
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People who shower together but don’t have sex they actually just shower, those are the terrorists. Real boring, uptight, stupid terrorists.
Dinner Party
Hostess: How much of this would you like?
Me eyeing the platter suspiciously: just one clump please.
my 7 year old said Batman was his favorite animal and it was too late to switch mine
Since mask-wearing began, many of us have developed the ability to say “thank you” using only our eyes, as well as a few other phrases that end in “you”
Your prayers are needed. Today I’m gonna tell my screenplay that it’s adapted.
Cashier: Will you be paying with credit card, Apple Pay, Google Pay, Tap To Pay, fruit, nuts, or the blood of a tiger?
Me: *hands cash*
wow, another wooden ball. would it kill avocado makers to put a different toy in there.
My pet rock, Simon, died and I was going to bury him outside but I set him down and now I’m not sure which one is Simon oh no
Hey remember that snarky insult you threw my way three weeks ago? Well now I have comeback so please repeat it.
Me: “Let’s go. I’ve got the kid buckled up.”
Wife: “You mean ‘kids,’ plural, right?”
Me: “I’ll be right back.”
“Friends” ended in 2004 and had a reunion this week, which means the cicadas think it was on the whole time
When you have the opportunity to become a bigger person, take it because cake is delicious.
My dandruff is so bad, I leaned over the fish tank. They thought it was feeding time.
My urologist said I have a healthy prostate. I was deeply touched.
lawyer: I haven’t won a case since last year’s hearing loss.
me: what was the hearing for?
lawyer: WHAT?
me: the hearing.
lawyer: WHAT?
Cartoons were better when people got anvils dropped on them and accidentally smoked dynamite like cigars.
Hey look! They named a candy after you!
*points to Dum Dums*
Mixed signals, like when my family members tell me I drink too much all year but on Christmas and my birthday give me cute wine glasses.
friend: they say pennywise takes form of your greatest fear
[later]
tv: the big bang theory marathon starts now!
me: holy shit it’s him
Wife: I just wanted our honeymoon to be special.
Me holding 2 Nintendo64 controllers: Me too, but you need to hurry and pick a character.
Burglar upon being confronted by the utter chaos of my house, steps back out the window.
“Next house. This one’s been done already.”
GUY: Hey, hold the elevator!
ME: *laughs to myself as I don’t hold the elevator* It’s the little things that make life worth living.*12 hours later*
GUY: *who is apparently building maintenance* I was trying to warn you it was broken.
My daughter has to give a weather report for school and I hope she does a good job and gets everything wrong.
Friend: That was the exit. Did you see the sign?
Me: I saw the sign
F: …
Me: And it opened up my eyes
F: Oh no.
Me: I SAWW THE SIIIGNNN
30% of Republican primary voters nationally say they support bombing Agrabah. Agrabah is the country from Aladdin. #NotTheOnion
HER: what’s your stance on bullying in school
ME: hmmm probably like this *puts my hands on my hips and shakes my head disapprovingly*
They say kill ’em with kindness but it’s much quicker if you just take their phone charger away.
I use my teethbrush then go play feetball and commit arms robbery. Just giving you a head up.
– people with the right amount of body parts