Auto correct changed “group hug” to “grope hug” and I’m not in charge of the team-building exercises any more.
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“C’mon man, just as far as Cincinnati. I got a cousin there.”
God: welcome to heaven. here’s your wings.
Adam West: [putting on batman cowl] I won’t be needing those.
Went gluten-free and already lost 15 friends in the first week!
[at the altar]
*leans in for a kiss*Priest: the bride, sir
My neighbor totally has heads in his freezer.
– My neighbor
i just realized my “for you” feed is actually as enjoyable a scroll as my “following” feed and i’ve never been more devastated in my life
Pete Davidson would have stole Helen Of Troy from both those mfs.
“Remember where we parked.”
-Me, to my dog.
Sorry I’m late. I was standing in front of the cooler staring at names on Coca Cola bottles for 10 mins realizing how many people I dislike.
Dear makers of Axe 3-in-1 shampoo, conditioner & body wash, I have no desire to buy your crap. I’m holding out until it’s also a car wax.
Me: I don’t want to fill up on bread.
Executioner: This is literally your last meal.
*6 holding a 5 hour energy*
“Look at this teeny juice! It didn’t taste good at first but I finished it!”
Go ahead, have kids.
Me: Donuts can cure a brain tumor.
Friend: But you don’t have a brain tumor…
Me: [ taking a bite of a donut ]
…EXACTLY.
Imagine being in jail for 35 years and Kim K got you out.
Inmate: Who got me out?
Warden: A famous celebrity.
Inmate: Wow, what’s she famous for?
Warden: Uhhh… Well for starters she was Bruce Jenner’s step daughter.
Inmate: No way! What’s he up to??!
Warden: Just go man.
Whoever said the sound of a zipper going down was the sexiest sound has obviously never heard a new bag of Doritos being opened.
I don’t care if you’re 30 or 50, sometimes I’ll flirt with you.
-“I’m 21.”
Omg eww, get away from me!
The auto parts store is like ‘get our free app’ as if I’m buying parts everyday. I only need this one thing.
Were PacMan and Ms.PacMan married or brother and sister? Have some fanfic that’s either really awesome or really disturbing riding on this.
they should make a pepper spray that sprays both forwards and backwards so you cant get confused. yeah I’m getting sprayed. but so are you. and Im probably gonna handle it better because of my unbreakable spirit
[movie night]
Her: Can I pick tonight?
Me: You picked last time and it was horrible
Her: WE WATCHED OUR WEDDING VIDEO
*arrives in hell*
*Hey Ya starts playing*
haha nice love this song
*song ends*
…
*Hey Ya starts playing*
wait no
So cute how this taxi driver is taking an unnecessarily long route and driving slowly so he gets to spend more time with me.
I don’t tell many people this, but I have been known to carry a shiv.
Okay, it’s the underwire in my bra and the only one getting stabbed is me, but still.
I’m suppose to give my wife an injection today but she’s worried cuz she’s seen my many struggles with Capri Sun straws.
14: Mom, you’re like the youngest mom in my grade. So how far apart are we in age?
Me: I had you when I was 24.
14: So we’re like 10 years apart.
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
Hate flying? Try American Airlines. They do too.
I’m starting to suspect that maybe 2020 was not the reason for my problems.
Internet speeds are expected to slow Christmas morning when all the children open gifs from Santa
I surprised a raccoon in my garage this morning, and now he’s telling his friends he made a human run into a wall.