me: i lost my luggage.
airport worker: did you carry on?
me: *sigh* how can i?
You Might Also Like
I had to start baking my own cakes and cookies because I’m no longer allowed in the bakery, in my defense I thought those were all samples.
‘Tis the season when you think about your loved ones…
…and realize that although you love them, it’s not that “rush one-day delivery” fee kind of love. Ever.
me: why can’t I crack this egg open
wife: because it’s a lemon
me: first my car and now this
Before you curse gravity, just imagine how unsatisfying sitting down would be without it.
Me: I’m an atheist. Nothing is on purpose. Nihilism 4eva
Also me: *sees my birthday numbers anywhere* this is a sign.
I can’t afford a vacation. So I’m just going to drink until I don’t know where I am.
I pledged to pick up 10 pieces of trash on Tuesday. So, I’m going to Walmart to see if anyone needs a ride.
*adds humanitarian to resume
Sometimes I look at my kid and think “I made this!” and other times I look at him and think “I made this?”
I love sipping margaritas by the pool. Or, as my neighbor with a pool calls it, “Trespassing.”
Forgot to take off my makeup and woke up looking like Cyndi Lauper from 1983.
Ways to look busy:
1. Turn up later than everyone else but rush into the office looking annoyed
2. Act like spending half an hour in the toilet has annoyed you
3. Rush around with an open laptop looking annoyed
4. Get annoyed at a printer
5. Just generally look annoyed
Great, yet another drive-in movie ruined by the neighbors saying I can’t park on their lawn and watch movies through the living room window.
*I will not be awkward*
*I will not be awkward*Uber Eats delivery guy: Enjoy your dinner!
Me: Thanks, you too
Husband to me:
If you can’t sleep, turn off your damn cell phone!Husband Awake in bed at 2am on his cell phone:
What?! I can’t sleep.
Me: *opens fridge*
Dog: you gonna finish that
I fold the receipt and place it in my briefcase.
“Now just to be clear, I have to be dead before I use the grave?”
one time when I was a kid I was in canada on canada day but didn’t realize it was canada day and I saw a mountie on stilts so I spent the next couple of years thinking canada had stilt cops
Just pulled my classic move of not replying to a text immediately to avoid looking desperate and the forgetting to ever reply to it, making me look unreliable instead.
Son: Daddy are we poor?
Me: *scraping his macaroni art into stove pan* Did your mother tell you that?
dog owners: their name is buddy
cat owners: their name is cool ranch dorito
I’ve made 2 terrible decisions in my life and they’re both outside throwing rocks at the new neighbors.
My 3 year old told me I wasn’t allowed to go to the toilet and screamed if I tried to
If I’m honest, “bladder vs 3 year old” will be one of the biggest challenges of my life but one I think I’m ready for
A moment of silence for all those who are stuck in traffic, trying to get to the gym, to ride stationary bikes…
Cop: do you know why I pulled u over?
Me: yeah, I was going like 120 back there
Cop:….
Me:..
Cop: sir, your tailamp is out
Me:…
*at Starbucks*
7yo: can I order for you?
Me: sure!
7yo: my mom wants the drink with the salt on the rim. She has it allll the time!
She said that having a successful marriage is all about making sacrifices so I threw her into a volcano.
You know if Harry Potter was real those kids would just spend all their time in their rooms playing HexBox.
Son: *picks up backpack* I’m off!
Me: Where are you going?
Son: The bathroom. I hear it’s great this time of year. Been planning this trip for minutes.
[later]
Me: How was your trip?
Son: Highly recommend it. Good to get away for a while.
I blame our unhappy marriage on my wife mostly because of her poor choice in men.
I can bend a spoon with just my mind and some hard ice cream.