I tell people “I’m not looking for anything serious” because I’m hunting clowns.
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Dinner Party
Hostess: How much of this would you like?
Me eyeing the platter suspiciously: just one clump please.
Communists only write in lowercase letters because they hate Capitalism.
if i was the one who drove the titanic i bet i could have hit at least 3 ice bergs before it sank
As a child I had the impression that I would be offered free drugs by strangers much more frequently than the 0 times it’s happened.
[at the race]
“RUNNERS ON YOUR MARK”
Mark: ouch!
I’m working from home. But as a bartender.
Be kind to everyone you meet for you never know who got woken up at 3:20am by a kid who was “just not tired”.
why pay kristen stewart millions of dollars when a cardboard cutout of kristen stewart will give the exact same performance for free
A museum guard accused me of trying to steal a 4,000-year-old papyrus but I explained that my skin just gets like that in the winter.
What’s up r/relationships. So here’s the deal I gave my girlfriend the 2nd toothbrush in a 2 pack when she stayed over last night and she refuses to pay me $1.37 (half the price of the 2 pack ROUNDED DOWN). Should i key her car
[sitting down next to a stranger at a minor league baseball game] that looks great. who’s your hot dog guy
*Holds my sweatpants like a ball gown when I walk up the stairs*
Do the things that bring you joy. Bake cookies. Take walks along the beach at sunset. Drink the blood of your enemies as part of an ancient incantation that opens a portal to the Underworld. Sing like no one can hear you.
Moist people aren’t offended by the occasional typo.
When life hands you a komodo dragon suddenly the times you got lemons seem pretty cool.
The hurt I feel when someone leaves the bus seat next to mine for a newly empty one is almost exactly equal to my annoyance when they don’t.
My next superhero script is about a guy in LA who, after a freak gamma ray accident, has the power to drive a car in the rain.
The evolutionary process has created crabs five independent times throughout the course of history. Humans are not the pinnacle of evolution. Evolution wants crabs.
Arthur just couldn’t quite get used to working from home.
I still have a landline. Or as I like to call it, Cell Phone Finder.
me [after losing a rap battle]: I should have worn a hat
friend: yeah he really locked in on your side pony
Me: So, what was the issue?
Plumber: You had hundreds of Q-tips clogging your toilet.
Me:
Plumber:
Me: *sheepishly* I ran out of toilet paper.
I had a colonoscopy on Friday. Just let me say there are some things you should never use a Groupon for.
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
If I wanted to have a dry January, I would just look at a photo of my ex every morning.
In my day, no one checked how old you were when you started kindergarten. We got left at the door and told to look 5.
I sure hope the family likes these Slim Jim burritos.
I don’t know how I feel about ghosts. Never seen one, but I don’t deny the possibility they exist. But this video is chilling. A chill went up my spine. Watch at your own risk. Don’t blink. Terrifying. I now believe.
[dinner w/friends]
“How long you two been married?”
It’s been thirt- (wife shaking head)
teenish twenty- (still shaking)
for a long time.
Commonly confused phrases:
In the same boat = We’re going through this together
On the same page = We understand each other
In the same trunk = We’re getting kidnapped OMG